Thursday, July 21, 2011
TTFN
Serving Up Life is at an end. It's time for rediscovery, rebirth, reboot, what have you. To follow the story, drop me an email and I'll point you down a new path. Thanks for reading.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Now Hurt by Then
Whatever.
That pretty much sums up my feelings about everything right now.
I feel like I've landed back on the hamster wheel. . . running, running, running and going nowhere.
I'm longing for sunshine. Bright, bright, warm happy sunlight.
When the sun is shining I feel energized . . . more like a person and less like a zombie.
It's become too easy to ignore everything and let it all slide away.
Where did the joy go? The satisfaction in the little things?
Too often lately, or maybe not often enough, I've been thinking about the last few years of my marriage and realizing that I've been soul-less since then. I'm finally admitting that it was an abusive relationship. Not physically . . . but mentally and emotionally. I allowed the soul to be sucked right out of me. I thought I was okay, that the kids and I were okay, but I see now that we're not and never really have been. We are all scarred by the relationship with Mr. Ex. Deeply scarred. Only now, years later, is it really showing up. It scares me because I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to address these wounds but I know in me somewhere that I have to.
Anime is deeply scarred, seriously wounded by the relationship with her dad (whom she refers to as "the donor"). Actress is more and more angry at the world each day. Action needs stability and routine or he doesn't know how to hold himself together.
It's not like our life is a horrible mess, but I can down the road to where it might be.
I read somewhere that sometimes making a change is simply running away in a different direction. I think I've simply been running even though I'm still here.
So much of this song makes me think about my former marriage. Except that I would never consider going back. Ever. I just regret staying so long.
That pretty much sums up my feelings about everything right now.
I feel like I've landed back on the hamster wheel. . . running, running, running and going nowhere.
I'm longing for sunshine. Bright, bright, warm happy sunlight.
When the sun is shining I feel energized . . . more like a person and less like a zombie.
It's become too easy to ignore everything and let it all slide away.
Where did the joy go? The satisfaction in the little things?
Too often lately, or maybe not often enough, I've been thinking about the last few years of my marriage and realizing that I've been soul-less since then. I'm finally admitting that it was an abusive relationship. Not physically . . . but mentally and emotionally. I allowed the soul to be sucked right out of me. I thought I was okay, that the kids and I were okay, but I see now that we're not and never really have been. We are all scarred by the relationship with Mr. Ex. Deeply scarred. Only now, years later, is it really showing up. It scares me because I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to address these wounds but I know in me somewhere that I have to.
Anime is deeply scarred, seriously wounded by the relationship with her dad (whom she refers to as "the donor"). Actress is more and more angry at the world each day. Action needs stability and routine or he doesn't know how to hold himself together.
It's not like our life is a horrible mess, but I can down the road to where it might be.
I read somewhere that sometimes making a change is simply running away in a different direction. I think I've simply been running even though I'm still here.
So much of this song makes me think about my former marriage. Except that I would never consider going back. Ever. I just regret staying so long.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Calgon, Take Me Away!
I think my body is trying to tell me something. My back is tight and painful. My stomach reacts after eating anything that is not completely bland. I have headaches and lots of itching. So much itching, in fact, that it causes bruising. For most of December my legs and sides looked like someone was beating me. No lie. The doctor didn't have any ideas but checked some blood work and said everything was normal.
Stress.
It's manifesting itself physically. Someone mentioned to me the concept of Chakras. I've just started doing some reading but what I've read so far is resonating with me. There are 7 chakras, which are centers of energy. When they are open things are working the way they should be. If they're blocked, well, that's when you begin having problems. I did a test I found online and determined that all of my chakras are blocked, or under-active, with the exception of one.
So how do I open them is the big question? How do I bring my life more in line?
Right now I feel as if I have no voice in how my time is allotted. School takes about 20 hours per week, work is 40 hours. There is almost always 1-2 hours for various doctor appointments and there also has to be time to study. In March I begin my preceptor-ship for my LPN program which entails 24 hours per week for 8-10 weeks while continuing to work full-time. None of this takes into account various other stressors that abound.
I've read a few various ways of unblocking chakras but wonder what's the right way? Is there a right way? Any suggestions?
Stress.
It's manifesting itself physically. Someone mentioned to me the concept of Chakras. I've just started doing some reading but what I've read so far is resonating with me. There are 7 chakras, which are centers of energy. When they are open things are working the way they should be. If they're blocked, well, that's when you begin having problems. I did a test I found online and determined that all of my chakras are blocked, or under-active, with the exception of one.
So how do I open them is the big question? How do I bring my life more in line?
Right now I feel as if I have no voice in how my time is allotted. School takes about 20 hours per week, work is 40 hours. There is almost always 1-2 hours for various doctor appointments and there also has to be time to study. In March I begin my preceptor-ship for my LPN program which entails 24 hours per week for 8-10 weeks while continuing to work full-time. None of this takes into account various other stressors that abound.
I've read a few various ways of unblocking chakras but wonder what's the right way? Is there a right way? Any suggestions?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Stronger
Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say, baby
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
Than I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
Here I go, on my own
I don’t need nobody, better off alone
Here I go, on my own now
I don’t need nobody, not anybody
Here I go, alright, here I go
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
Yes, for you music lovers, the lyrics are from a song by Miss Britney Spears. Maybe she's no role model for tweens and teens but these lyrics hit home and say what I need to hear.
2010 passed by in a blur thanks to my ability to bury my head in the sand while staying insanely busy. So many things happened; lost friends regained, new friends made, medical problems, money problems, losing sight of what's important, finding that sight again, making a stand.
But I learned something. I am strong. Everyday I can be stronger. If I make a stand, he will back down. It can be my way.
I am stronger than yesterday.
Now it's nothing by my way.
Now it's nothing by my way.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
December Mash-up
Happy Holidays, Felice Navidad, Mele Kalikimaka, Happy Hanukkah, etc, etc.
In honor of my new favorite obsession , err, TV show GLEE I'll give ya'll a summary of the last few months around here with a written mash-up. In no certain order:
* Anime has had a pulmonary function test and a sleep study, both of which we'll get the results from at the beginning of January.
*Not having any idea how I did it, I apparently managed to BREAK a RIB! A few weeks of increasing chest pain finally sent me to the doctor to have X-rays show a break. Since I haven't fallen or been in any accidents I'm clueless as to how this happened. Amazingly the doctor said to do nothing different and that it should be completely healed around February.
*Actress tried out for, and amazingly (given her pseudonym) did not make the cut for the middle school play. Heck she didn't even get in as an extra! Am amazed and surprised.
*Action has joined the local drumline group. (thanks to my coming up with the $300 entrance fee, ahem.) He is loving it and so am I (being a former percussionist and drumline member myself).
*Snow has finally hit our area by way of the first (and hopefully last!) blizzard to the season.
* I have decided to pick up a part-time gig as a substitute for the area schools. At $90 a day and the ability to say yes or no to a job, I just had to give in.
*Starting in January I hit the budgets and start Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University online. Considering how little is coming in and how many, many bills there are to pay, I need to get serious about finances.
*Action's new haircut is a la Puck from GLEE.
*Anime's hair has gone from blonde and maroon, to black with blue, to toasted marshmallow blonde, and now blonde and grape with has faded into a more normal looking blonde with brown highlights.
*Today is Anime's 16th birthday! It seems impossible that I have a sixteen year old. Who now has 5 piercings between her two ears (which she suckered Mr. Ex into paying for the last two today).
*Mr. Ex continues to be a "fantabulous" dad (please note that "fantabulous" means selfish, shallow, and unconcerned with the kids' welfare). I plan to discuss his antics in a separate post soon, following a phone call or two to the state department dealing with child support.
*I start evening classes in January for my degree as a licensed practical nurse (LPN). I've figured out the only way I can do this and be successful it to go part-time. After my LPN I can go part-time to get my 2 year RN. It will take me longer but be a lot less stressful on everyone.
So until next time I leave you with a taste of GLEE
In honor of my new favorite obsession , err, TV show GLEE I'll give ya'll a summary of the last few months around here with a written mash-up. In no certain order:
* Anime has had a pulmonary function test and a sleep study, both of which we'll get the results from at the beginning of January.
*Not having any idea how I did it, I apparently managed to BREAK a RIB! A few weeks of increasing chest pain finally sent me to the doctor to have X-rays show a break. Since I haven't fallen or been in any accidents I'm clueless as to how this happened. Amazingly the doctor said to do nothing different and that it should be completely healed around February.
*Actress tried out for, and amazingly (given her pseudonym) did not make the cut for the middle school play. Heck she didn't even get in as an extra! Am amazed and surprised.
*Action has joined the local drumline group. (thanks to my coming up with the $300 entrance fee, ahem.) He is loving it and so am I (being a former percussionist and drumline member myself).
*Snow has finally hit our area by way of the first (and hopefully last!) blizzard to the season.
* I have decided to pick up a part-time gig as a substitute for the area schools. At $90 a day and the ability to say yes or no to a job, I just had to give in.
*Starting in January I hit the budgets and start Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University online. Considering how little is coming in and how many, many bills there are to pay, I need to get serious about finances.
*Action's new haircut is a la Puck from GLEE.
*Anime's hair has gone from blonde and maroon, to black with blue, to toasted marshmallow blonde, and now blonde and grape with has faded into a more normal looking blonde with brown highlights.
*Today is Anime's 16th birthday! It seems impossible that I have a sixteen year old. Who now has 5 piercings between her two ears (which she suckered Mr. Ex into paying for the last two today).
*Mr. Ex continues to be a "fantabulous" dad (please note that "fantabulous" means selfish, shallow, and unconcerned with the kids' welfare). I plan to discuss his antics in a separate post soon, following a phone call or two to the state department dealing with child support.
*I start evening classes in January for my degree as a licensed practical nurse (LPN). I've figured out the only way I can do this and be successful it to go part-time. After my LPN I can go part-time to get my 2 year RN. It will take me longer but be a lot less stressful on everyone.
So until next time I leave you with a taste of GLEE
Monday, November 9, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
It's In the Cards
I'm not sure where I am spiritually right now but I have to say that the following really resonated with me tonight. Talk about being spot on!
If you want to try your own go to http://www.gaiantarot.com/oracle/index.html .
Oracle: Your Gaian Tarot Reading
| The OPPORTUNITY |  | The CHALLENGE | | ||
 |  | ||||
| 17 - the Star Connection to Spirit You have the opportunity to relax into a time of calm, healing and grace. Your heart is wide open and you deeply feel your connection to Source, to God/dess, the Great Mystery. It is a most blessed time of hope and peace. Now is a good time to begin the practice of gratitude, of giving thanks. When our hearts are full, it's easy to be thankful. If we begin the practice now, it will be easier to sustain when times are rough. Follow your star, for it will guide you home.
| 12 - the Tree Letting go You are being challenged to release attachments, to surrender to the flow. You are no longer in charge of your life. It isn't a time to resist, for everything is out of your control. Give it up. Your world may feel like it's been turned upside down. You can fight this reversal — you can go into it kicking and screaming — or you can surrender with grace and take it as an opportunity to see your life from a different perspective. It is a time to take no action, other than meditation and prayer. Learn to be still. During this time of suspension and waiting, you may discover within yourself the gifts of inspiration, enlightenment and unconditional love. |
Monday, October 5, 2009
Unwritten
* She steps quietly through the door, glancing around shyly. Is any one still there? Will any body even notice that she was missing for a while? *
*Quietly she slips into the room, distracted by the cobwebs that had gathered in her absence. Brushing them aside, she grasps the pen, opens the notebook to a blank page, thinking . . . "it's like that song, the past is behind me, but the rest . . . the rest is still unwritten."
What can I say? Life happens.
I was amazed at how scary I found it to begin writing this. At how many times I've started, and stopped, and started and stopped again. But not this time. This time I hit the "post" button and push aside the internal fears.
It's my longing for a "soul tribe" that pushes me back. I miss all of you. I miss having a close friend or two to be able to confide in. So I'm back. Starting again.
I don't have much time right now, I have to scoot out the door for class shortly. But to catch you up, we have a diagnosis for Anime. Fibromyalgia. Nothing has changed or gotten better for her but we have a word, a direction to follow now. And it's not lupus, for which I am ever thankful.
If you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with my silence.
celticbuffy
*Quietly she slips into the room, distracted by the cobwebs that had gathered in her absence. Brushing them aside, she grasps the pen, opens the notebook to a blank page, thinking . . . "it's like that song, the past is behind me, but the rest . . . the rest is still unwritten."
What can I say? Life happens.
I was amazed at how scary I found it to begin writing this. At how many times I've started, and stopped, and started and stopped again. But not this time. This time I hit the "post" button and push aside the internal fears.
It's my longing for a "soul tribe" that pushes me back. I miss all of you. I miss having a close friend or two to be able to confide in. So I'm back. Starting again.
I don't have much time right now, I have to scoot out the door for class shortly. But to catch you up, we have a diagnosis for Anime. Fibromyalgia. Nothing has changed or gotten better for her but we have a word, a direction to follow now. And it's not lupus, for which I am ever thankful.
If you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with my silence.
celticbuffy
Monday, June 22, 2009
I Just Keep on Sliding
I'm a naughty blogger, I know. I apologize.
Today I'm going back to the doctor to see about seriously upping my depression medicine. I haven't seen any improvement in the last two months and, seriously, I think it's worse than it was two months ago. All I really want to do is sleep. I can't concentrate on any one thing for very long. It's guaranteed that if I sit down to read a chapter in one of my summer courses you will soon find me asleep with the book on my lap. Things don't make sense in my brain and I feel as if I'm just barely keeping it all together.
The only place where I can seem to keep it going is at work. It's like I go into overdrive at the hospital and I'm very organized, on the ball, and able to multi-task.
Hopefully the doctor will agree to more than just a minor increase in the meds because I don't want to go on like this. I want to be productive and have feelings, rather than just always feeling like I don't care.
Today I'm going back to the doctor to see about seriously upping my depression medicine. I haven't seen any improvement in the last two months and, seriously, I think it's worse than it was two months ago. All I really want to do is sleep. I can't concentrate on any one thing for very long. It's guaranteed that if I sit down to read a chapter in one of my summer courses you will soon find me asleep with the book on my lap. Things don't make sense in my brain and I feel as if I'm just barely keeping it all together.
The only place where I can seem to keep it going is at work. It's like I go into overdrive at the hospital and I'm very organized, on the ball, and able to multi-task.
Hopefully the doctor will agree to more than just a minor increase in the meds because I don't want to go on like this. I want to be productive and have feelings, rather than just always feeling like I don't care.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Remember me?
Ahem.
Testing, testing, 1. 2. 3. 4.
Is this thing on?
Alright then. Maybe some of you remember me? I'm that gal who used to blog at least semi-regularly. Also known as The Procrastinator.
I think maybe that funk I was in is lifting a little. I've missed you guys. Boy do I have a scary crazy number of posts from all of you to catch up on. I'm scared to even look at google reader for fear of the number awaiting me there! :)
Okay, so where was I? I've been here, well, not here on the computer per say, but just here. Riding out the latest wave, looking for the perfect swell to push myself off of and surf back into myself.
I somehow mistakenly thought that taking 13 credits during the summer session was a good idea. I know. What the hell was I on when I thought that?! And who takes Intro to Literature just for fun? Me, apparently. So yeah, I'm taking that plus Anatomy and Physiology (which I dropped last semester), Microbiology (which I had a pretty poor grade in last semester) and Nutrition. Loads of reading and writing will be going down in this house through August.
In addition to that I'm also working through The Next Chapter: Wreck This Journal. I'm still waiting for my book to arrive, hopefully it will be here the beginning of this week.
And that's just me. We also have swimming lessons (Actress and Action), junior golf league and volleyball camps (Anime), a month of tennis camp (Action), Little League (Action), a trip in July to Kansas City, a trip to see my sister (sometime this summer, hopefully more than once since she's only 2 1/2 hours away) and maybe, hopefully, (fingers crossed) a trip to the Twin Cities to see our Twins. (that's a baseball team for those of you non-baseball fans). Oh, we also have marching band starting at the end of July for Anime.
But I'm back. No more hiding away for me.
What's on your agenda for the summer? Enlighten me!
Testing, testing, 1. 2. 3. 4.
Is this thing on?
Alright then. Maybe some of you remember me? I'm that gal who used to blog at least semi-regularly. Also known as The Procrastinator.
I think maybe that funk I was in is lifting a little. I've missed you guys. Boy do I have a scary crazy number of posts from all of you to catch up on. I'm scared to even look at google reader for fear of the number awaiting me there! :)
Okay, so where was I? I've been here, well, not here on the computer per say, but just here. Riding out the latest wave, looking for the perfect swell to push myself off of and surf back into myself.
I somehow mistakenly thought that taking 13 credits during the summer session was a good idea. I know. What the hell was I on when I thought that?! And who takes Intro to Literature just for fun? Me, apparently. So yeah, I'm taking that plus Anatomy and Physiology (which I dropped last semester), Microbiology (which I had a pretty poor grade in last semester) and Nutrition. Loads of reading and writing will be going down in this house through August.
In addition to that I'm also working through The Next Chapter: Wreck This Journal. I'm still waiting for my book to arrive, hopefully it will be here the beginning of this week.
And that's just me. We also have swimming lessons (Actress and Action), junior golf league and volleyball camps (Anime), a month of tennis camp (Action), Little League (Action), a trip in July to Kansas City, a trip to see my sister (sometime this summer, hopefully more than once since she's only 2 1/2 hours away) and maybe, hopefully, (fingers crossed) a trip to the Twin Cities to see our Twins. (that's a baseball team for those of you non-baseball fans). Oh, we also have marching band starting at the end of July for Anime.
But I'm back. No more hiding away for me.
What's on your agenda for the summer? Enlighten me!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Benign
I'm happy to report that my breast biopsy was benign! What a relief! I will have to be more vigilant in the future and make sure I do monthly exams. I will have to have a follow-up mammogram in 6 months and then may be put on a yearly mammogram due to family history. There is nothing to report on the gallbladder issue. My GI doc thinks I may have had a biliary spasm and the elevated liver functions are due to my high triglyceride levels.
Anime is currently on the same depression meds that I take. We think she's been doing slightly better, even though she's fighting an awful chest cold right now.
I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately. I'm battling my own depression demons and just have not been able to bring myself to write. I'm hoping to increase the meds when I see my doctor again in a couple of weeks as this dosage just isn't doing anything for me.
Happy Spring!
Anime is currently on the same depression meds that I take. We think she's been doing slightly better, even though she's fighting an awful chest cold right now.
I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately. I'm battling my own depression demons and just have not been able to bring myself to write. I'm hoping to increase the meds when I see my doctor again in a couple of weeks as this dosage just isn't doing anything for me.
Happy Spring!
Monday, April 20, 2009
Searching for Sunshine
It seems like life has turned a corner around here and not necessarily in a good way. Doctor appointments are becoming a way of life lately. Nothing new turned up in further testing for Anime. Later on this week we are going to see a psychiatrist for a psychiatric evaluation for depression. Depression runs deep in my side of the family and it does on her father's side also, as does bi-polar. I don't think she's bi-polar but I could possibly see depression as the root of all of her symptoms.
My latest test, a HIDA-scan, turned up nothing so I am being referred on to a gastrointestinal specialist. Now I really don't feel there's anything wrong with me (other than a lot of gas and belching) but my liver function levels remain elevated and the doctor doesn't want to start me on cholesterol meds until she knows why these levels are elevated. As for me, well, I'll go see the specialist but I'm pretty sure they're not going to find anything. Just more money gone from my bank account.
What has been weighing on me (or one of the things anyway,) is that after the mammogram and 2 ultrasounds of my breast, I am moving onward to see a surgeon at the end of the month. It seems that there is an area of tissue that isn't what it should be. Now that I know it's there, I can feel it. It feels as if the skin is "thicker" there than the rest of the breast. The radiologist describe it as having a "bridge-like" appearance, whatever that means. What I do know is that I have had to wait all month to see the surgeon and even then, nothing will be done at that appointment. It is a "consultation" and my doctor's office told me that the surgeon isn't sure if he wants to simply do a needle biopsy or if he wants to take the whole section out. At the time of the consultation the next appointment will be made for either the biopsy or the removal of the mass. I don't know what else to call it because it's not a lump, it's a whole area of tissue that even I could pick out on the ultrasound. I found it rather unnerving that after the first ultrasound was done (right after the radiologist read my mammogram) and the radiologist had looked at it, the radiologist himself came in and had the technician do a second ultrasound with him in the room to look at the mass first hand.
Now I know this all very well may be nothing but it's the waiting that's driving me crazy. Most likely I will know nothing until the end of May unless I get lucky and the surgeon is able to book me right away for the biopsy/mass-removal. I try not to think about it but it lingers there in the back of my mind.
Mr. Ex is also causing problems. That's a whole other (depressing) post. Life doesn't give you more than you can handle, right?
On a side note, I was wait-listed for the Fall Semester of nursing school. Basically I didn't get one of the 55 slots so now I sit and wait and hope someone drops out this summer and I am high enough the wait list to get there spot.
So yeah, I'm searching for the sunshine around here because I'm sick and tired of all of the clouds casting shadows over everything.
My latest test, a HIDA-scan, turned up nothing so I am being referred on to a gastrointestinal specialist. Now I really don't feel there's anything wrong with me (other than a lot of gas and belching) but my liver function levels remain elevated and the doctor doesn't want to start me on cholesterol meds until she knows why these levels are elevated. As for me, well, I'll go see the specialist but I'm pretty sure they're not going to find anything. Just more money gone from my bank account.
What has been weighing on me (or one of the things anyway,) is that after the mammogram and 2 ultrasounds of my breast, I am moving onward to see a surgeon at the end of the month. It seems that there is an area of tissue that isn't what it should be. Now that I know it's there, I can feel it. It feels as if the skin is "thicker" there than the rest of the breast. The radiologist describe it as having a "bridge-like" appearance, whatever that means. What I do know is that I have had to wait all month to see the surgeon and even then, nothing will be done at that appointment. It is a "consultation" and my doctor's office told me that the surgeon isn't sure if he wants to simply do a needle biopsy or if he wants to take the whole section out. At the time of the consultation the next appointment will be made for either the biopsy or the removal of the mass. I don't know what else to call it because it's not a lump, it's a whole area of tissue that even I could pick out on the ultrasound. I found it rather unnerving that after the first ultrasound was done (right after the radiologist read my mammogram) and the radiologist had looked at it, the radiologist himself came in and had the technician do a second ultrasound with him in the room to look at the mass first hand.
Now I know this all very well may be nothing but it's the waiting that's driving me crazy. Most likely I will know nothing until the end of May unless I get lucky and the surgeon is able to book me right away for the biopsy/mass-removal. I try not to think about it but it lingers there in the back of my mind.
Mr. Ex is also causing problems. That's a whole other (depressing) post. Life doesn't give you more than you can handle, right?
On a side note, I was wait-listed for the Fall Semester of nursing school. Basically I didn't get one of the 55 slots so now I sit and wait and hope someone drops out this summer and I am high enough the wait list to get there spot.
So yeah, I'm searching for the sunshine around here because I'm sick and tired of all of the clouds casting shadows over everything.
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