Thursday, July 21, 2011
TTFN
Serving Up Life is at an end. It's time for rediscovery, rebirth, reboot, what have you. To follow the story, drop me an email and I'll point you down a new path. Thanks for reading.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Now Hurt by Then
Whatever.
That pretty much sums up my feelings about everything right now.
I feel like I've landed back on the hamster wheel. . . running, running, running and going nowhere.
I'm longing for sunshine. Bright, bright, warm happy sunlight.
When the sun is shining I feel energized . . . more like a person and less like a zombie.
It's become too easy to ignore everything and let it all slide away.
Where did the joy go? The satisfaction in the little things?
Too often lately, or maybe not often enough, I've been thinking about the last few years of my marriage and realizing that I've been soul-less since then. I'm finally admitting that it was an abusive relationship. Not physically . . . but mentally and emotionally. I allowed the soul to be sucked right out of me. I thought I was okay, that the kids and I were okay, but I see now that we're not and never really have been. We are all scarred by the relationship with Mr. Ex. Deeply scarred. Only now, years later, is it really showing up. It scares me because I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to address these wounds but I know in me somewhere that I have to.
Anime is deeply scarred, seriously wounded by the relationship with her dad (whom she refers to as "the donor"). Actress is more and more angry at the world each day. Action needs stability and routine or he doesn't know how to hold himself together.
It's not like our life is a horrible mess, but I can down the road to where it might be.
I read somewhere that sometimes making a change is simply running away in a different direction. I think I've simply been running even though I'm still here.
So much of this song makes me think about my former marriage. Except that I would never consider going back. Ever. I just regret staying so long.
That pretty much sums up my feelings about everything right now.
I feel like I've landed back on the hamster wheel. . . running, running, running and going nowhere.
I'm longing for sunshine. Bright, bright, warm happy sunlight.
When the sun is shining I feel energized . . . more like a person and less like a zombie.
It's become too easy to ignore everything and let it all slide away.
Where did the joy go? The satisfaction in the little things?
Too often lately, or maybe not often enough, I've been thinking about the last few years of my marriage and realizing that I've been soul-less since then. I'm finally admitting that it was an abusive relationship. Not physically . . . but mentally and emotionally. I allowed the soul to be sucked right out of me. I thought I was okay, that the kids and I were okay, but I see now that we're not and never really have been. We are all scarred by the relationship with Mr. Ex. Deeply scarred. Only now, years later, is it really showing up. It scares me because I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to address these wounds but I know in me somewhere that I have to.
Anime is deeply scarred, seriously wounded by the relationship with her dad (whom she refers to as "the donor"). Actress is more and more angry at the world each day. Action needs stability and routine or he doesn't know how to hold himself together.
It's not like our life is a horrible mess, but I can down the road to where it might be.
I read somewhere that sometimes making a change is simply running away in a different direction. I think I've simply been running even though I'm still here.
So much of this song makes me think about my former marriage. Except that I would never consider going back. Ever. I just regret staying so long.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Calgon, Take Me Away!
I think my body is trying to tell me something. My back is tight and painful. My stomach reacts after eating anything that is not completely bland. I have headaches and lots of itching. So much itching, in fact, that it causes bruising. For most of December my legs and sides looked like someone was beating me. No lie. The doctor didn't have any ideas but checked some blood work and said everything was normal.
Stress.
It's manifesting itself physically. Someone mentioned to me the concept of Chakras. I've just started doing some reading but what I've read so far is resonating with me. There are 7 chakras, which are centers of energy. When they are open things are working the way they should be. If they're blocked, well, that's when you begin having problems. I did a test I found online and determined that all of my chakras are blocked, or under-active, with the exception of one.
So how do I open them is the big question? How do I bring my life more in line?
Right now I feel as if I have no voice in how my time is allotted. School takes about 20 hours per week, work is 40 hours. There is almost always 1-2 hours for various doctor appointments and there also has to be time to study. In March I begin my preceptor-ship for my LPN program which entails 24 hours per week for 8-10 weeks while continuing to work full-time. None of this takes into account various other stressors that abound.
I've read a few various ways of unblocking chakras but wonder what's the right way? Is there a right way? Any suggestions?
Stress.
It's manifesting itself physically. Someone mentioned to me the concept of Chakras. I've just started doing some reading but what I've read so far is resonating with me. There are 7 chakras, which are centers of energy. When they are open things are working the way they should be. If they're blocked, well, that's when you begin having problems. I did a test I found online and determined that all of my chakras are blocked, or under-active, with the exception of one.
So how do I open them is the big question? How do I bring my life more in line?
Right now I feel as if I have no voice in how my time is allotted. School takes about 20 hours per week, work is 40 hours. There is almost always 1-2 hours for various doctor appointments and there also has to be time to study. In March I begin my preceptor-ship for my LPN program which entails 24 hours per week for 8-10 weeks while continuing to work full-time. None of this takes into account various other stressors that abound.
I've read a few various ways of unblocking chakras but wonder what's the right way? Is there a right way? Any suggestions?
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Stronger
Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say, baby
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
Than I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
Here I go, on my own
I don’t need nobody, better off alone
Here I go, on my own now
I don’t need nobody, not anybody
Here I go, alright, here I go
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger
Yes, for you music lovers, the lyrics are from a song by Miss Britney Spears. Maybe she's no role model for tweens and teens but these lyrics hit home and say what I need to hear.
2010 passed by in a blur thanks to my ability to bury my head in the sand while staying insanely busy. So many things happened; lost friends regained, new friends made, medical problems, money problems, losing sight of what's important, finding that sight again, making a stand.
But I learned something. I am strong. Everyday I can be stronger. If I make a stand, he will back down. It can be my way.
I am stronger than yesterday.
Now it's nothing by my way.
Now it's nothing by my way.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)