It's In the Cards

I'm not sure where I am spiritually right now but I have to say that the following really resonated with me tonight. Talk about being spot on!

If you want to try your own go to http://www.gaiantarot.com/oracle/index.html .

Oracle: Your Gaian Tarot Reading

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The OPPORTUNITY		The CHALLENGE
17 - the Star Connection to Spirit You have the opportunity to relax into a time of calm, healing and grace. Your heart is wide open and you deeply feel your connection to Source, to God/dess, the Great Mystery. It is a most blessed time of hope and peace. Now is a good time to begin the practice of gratitude, of giving thanks. When our hearts are full, it's easy to be thankful. If we begin the practice now, it will be easier to sustain when times are rough. Follow your star, for it will guide you home. The RESOLUTION 7 - the Canoe Focused on your path Resolution comes with staying focused on your path, and exercising self-discipline as you work towards your goal. Set aside anything extraneous that would distract you or keep you from completing your task. What is your goal? What do you want to accomplish? This may apply to your life in the everyday world — pursuing a course of study, a career goal, a fitness plan, a creative project. It may also apply to your inner life; perhaps you are in a recovery program or are healing from a trauma. Whatever it is, set your intention, take your first steps, and your guides and allies will be at your side to help you on your way. Be of great courage! No matter how hard it seems, you have what it takes to win the prize.		12 - the Tree Letting go You are being challenged to release attachments, to surrender to the flow. You are no longer in charge of your life. It isn't a time to resist, for everything is out of your control. Give it up. Your world may feel like it's been turned upside down. You can fight this reversal — you can go into it kicking and screaming — or you can surrender with grace and take it as an opportunity to see your life from a different perspective. It is a time to take no action, other than meditation and prayer. Learn to be still. During this time of suspension and waiting, you may discover within yourself the gifts of inspiration, enlightenment and unconditional love.

Unwritten

* She steps quietly through the door, glancing around shyly. Is any one still there? Will any body even notice that she was missing for a while? *

*Quietly she slips into the room, distracted by the cobwebs that had gathered in her absence. Brushing them aside, she grasps the pen, opens the notebook to a blank page, thinking . . . "it's like that song, the past is behind me, but the rest . . . the rest is still unwritten."


What can I say? Life happens.

I was amazed at how scary I found it to begin writing this. At how many times I've started, and stopped, and started and stopped again. But not this time. This time I hit the "post" button and push aside the internal fears.

It's my longing for a "soul tribe" that pushes me back. I miss all of you. I miss having a close friend or two to be able to confide in. So I'm back. Starting again.

I don't have much time right now, I have to scoot out the door for class shortly. But to catch you up, we have a diagnosis for Anime. Fibromyalgia. Nothing has changed or gotten better for her but we have a word, a direction to follow now. And it's not lupus, for which I am ever thankful.

If you're reading this, thank you from the bottom of my heart for putting up with my silence.

celticbuffy

I Just Keep on Sliding

I'm a naughty blogger, I know. I apologize.

Today I'm going back to the doctor to see about seriously upping my depression medicine. I haven't seen any improvement in the last two months and, seriously, I think it's worse than it was two months ago. All I really want to do is sleep. I can't concentrate on any one thing for very long. It's guaranteed that if I sit down to read a chapter in one of my summer courses you will soon find me asleep with the book on my lap. Things don't make sense in my brain and I feel as if I'm just barely keeping it all together.

The only place where I can seem to keep it going is at work. It's like I go into overdrive at the hospital and I'm very organized, on the ball, and able to multi-task.

Hopefully the doctor will agree to more than just a minor increase in the meds because I don't want to go on like this. I want to be productive and have feelings, rather than just always feeling like I don't care.

Remember me?

Ahem.

Testing, testing, 1. 2. 3. 4.

Is this thing on?

Alright then. Maybe some of you remember me? I'm that gal who used to blog at least semi-regularly. Also known as The Procrastinator.

I think maybe that funk I was in is lifting a little. I've missed you guys. Boy do I have a scary crazy number of posts from all of you to catch up on. I'm scared to even look at google reader for fear of the number awaiting me there! :)

Okay, so where was I? I've been here, well, not here on the computer per say, but just here. Riding out the latest wave, looking for the perfect swell to push myself off of and surf back into myself.

I somehow mistakenly thought that taking 13 credits during the summer session was a good idea. I know. What the hell was I on when I thought that?! And who takes Intro to Literature just for fun? Me, apparently. So yeah, I'm taking that plus Anatomy and Physiology (which I dropped last semester), Microbiology (which I had a pretty poor grade in last semester) and Nutrition. Loads of reading and writing will be going down in this house through August.

In addition to that I'm also working through The Next Chapter: Wreck This Journal. I'm still waiting for my book to arrive, hopefully it will be here the beginning of this week.

And that's just me. We also have swimming lessons (Actress and Action), junior golf league and volleyball camps (Anime), a month of tennis camp (Action), Little League (Action), a trip in July to Kansas City, a trip to see my sister (sometime this summer, hopefully more than once since she's only 2 1/2 hours away) and maybe, hopefully, (fingers crossed) a trip to the Twin Cities to see our Twins. (that's a baseball team for those of you non-baseball fans). Oh, we also have marching band starting at the end of July for Anime.

But I'm back. No more hiding away for me.

What's on your agenda for the summer? Enlighten me!

Benign

I'm happy to report that my breast biopsy was benign! What a relief! I will have to be more vigilant in the future and make sure I do monthly exams. I will have to have a follow-up mammogram in 6 months and then may be put on a yearly mammogram due to family history. There is nothing to report on the gallbladder issue. My GI doc thinks I may have had a biliary spasm and the elevated liver functions are due to my high triglyceride levels.

Anime is currently on the same depression meds that I take. We think she's been doing slightly better, even though she's fighting an awful chest cold right now.

I'm sorry I haven't been around much lately. I'm battling my own depression demons and just have not been able to bring myself to write. I'm hoping to increase the meds when I see my doctor again in a couple of weeks as this dosage just isn't doing anything for me.

Happy Spring!

Searching for Sunshine

It seems like life has turned a corner around here and not necessarily in a good way. Doctor appointments are becoming a way of life lately. Nothing new turned up in further testing for Anime. Later on this week we are going to see a psychiatrist for a psychiatric evaluation for depression. Depression runs deep in my side of the family and it does on her father's side also, as does bi-polar. I don't think she's bi-polar but I could possibly see depression as the root of all of her symptoms.

My latest test, a HIDA-scan, turned up nothing so I am being referred on to a gastrointestinal specialist. Now I really don't feel there's anything wrong with me (other than a lot of gas and belching) but my liver function levels remain elevated and the doctor doesn't want to start me on cholesterol meds until she knows why these levels are elevated. As for me, well, I'll go see the specialist but I'm pretty sure they're not going to find anything. Just more money gone from my bank account.

What has been weighing on me (or one of the things anyway,) is that after the mammogram and 2 ultrasounds of my breast, I am moving onward to see a surgeon at the end of the month. It seems that there is an area of tissue that isn't what it should be. Now that I know it's there, I can feel it. It feels as if the skin is "thicker" there than the rest of the breast. The radiologist describe it as having a "bridge-like" appearance, whatever that means. What I do know is that I have had to wait all month to see the surgeon and even then, nothing will be done at that appointment. It is a "consultation" and my doctor's office told me that the surgeon isn't sure if he wants to simply do a needle biopsy or if he wants to take the whole section out. At the time of the consultation the next appointment will be made for either the biopsy or the removal of the mass. I don't know what else to call it because it's not a lump, it's a whole area of tissue that even I could pick out on the ultrasound. I found it rather unnerving that after the first ultrasound was done (right after the radiologist read my mammogram) and the radiologist had looked at it, the radiologist himself came in and had the technician do a second ultrasound with him in the room to look at the mass first hand.

Now I know this all very well may be nothing but it's the waiting that's driving me crazy. Most likely I will know nothing until the end of May unless I get lucky and the surgeon is able to book me right away for the biopsy/mass-removal. I try not to think about it but it lingers there in the back of my mind.

Mr. Ex is also causing problems. That's a whole other (depressing) post. Life doesn't give you more than you can handle, right?

On a side note, I was wait-listed for the Fall Semester of nursing school. Basically I didn't get one of the 55 slots so now I sit and wait and hope someone drops out this summer and I am high enough the wait list to get there spot.

So yeah, I'm searching for the sunshine around here because I'm sick and tired of all of the clouds casting shadows over everything.

In Stitches

Isn't it funny how birthday seems to become a little less important with each year you gain?

Mine started out with a bang. Up early after working the late shift yesterday, I headed out for an ultrasound of my abdomen. I started out the radiology tech's day well as she "loved" my "beautiful anatomical structure". Apparently everything is where it's supposed to be and very receptive to being captured via ultrasound. I've always longed to hear that I have "beautiful organs". ;)

Next it was over to the clinic for a couple of biopsies. One was a mole on my breast, the other for a growth on my nose. The nose biopsy required a couple of stitches to close so I get to spend the next week walking around looking as if I have a couple of big black hairs sticking out of my nostril. Fun!

On the bright side, it's done. Friends and family wanted to know why I scheduled these procedures on my birthday. Why? It was the first available appointments and I want them done. Now it's just wait for the reports to come back.

The doctor did not start me on cholesterol medications today as she wants to wait and see what's going on with the liver functions being elevated. Apparently cholesterol meds would mess with those levels, so we'll wait a couple more weeks before starting.

I'm off to work shortly, taking in a big cake to share with my co-workers. I fully expect to be driving home in heavy rain/snow tonight as the meteorologists and predicting a doozy of a storm to hit tonight. Half of our state is already being hit with schools and roads closing left and right. Nothing to surprising though. I think I could count on one hand the number of times there has been good weather on my birthday.

I wonder what this 39th year will hold?

Sliding

Slipping,

Sliding,

Feebly grasping at a lifeline.

Peering into the bottom,

rapidly approaching.

One more grab,

holding on tightly,

Hanging over the precipice.

Up or down?

Undecided.





I hadn't meant to disappear. The day after my last post found me in the ER being treated for hyper-emesis. It is something most commonly associated with pregnancy but is something that has plagued me since my teens. It's a little gross but when I throw-up I have the tendency to not be able stop vomiting. Since then I have been inexplicably tired. So much so that for the past three weeks about all I have done is work and sleep.

Now that I'm starting to wake up I'm able to see that much of the sleep is depression induced. Much as I've tried to fight it, I know my signs, and I know when I need help. Yesterday I went for a full check-up and started back on antidepressants.

The doctor visit was prompted by my cholesterol level and by a second ER visit last week. I thought I was having a heart attack, although it turns out it was more likely a gallbladder attack. So yesterday I was poked and prodded, and took my turn with the lab vampires. They took blood to check cholesterol levels, liver and kidney functions, thyroid functions, and , oh joy!, STD's. Why STD's you wonder? Well, Mr. Ex was not a faithful hubby and I never did get tested for anything when it all came to light. My lovely new doctor convinced me that it needed to be done, for my safety. So test we did.

On Monday I go back for an ultrasound of my abdomen to see what's going on in there. That will be followed by two moles that are being biopsied and a brand new prescription for cholesterol meds. In spite of my dietary changes my cholesterol has continued to rise and hit a new high yesterday of 298. Yes, you read that correctly. It is nearly 300. The bad cholesterol was 230 while the good was at 40. These are not good numbers and I am coming to terms with the fact that I will need to take cholesterol meds for the rest of my life.

Thursday will see my having my second mammogram in two years. The doctor felt a change in my left breast so we are following up on that. My mother had Stage 0 breast cancer (did you know it doesn't start at Stage 1? I didn't until my mom went through this.) I had a baseline mammogram done two years ago, at the recommendation of my mom's oncologist so at least we have something to compare the new mammogram to.

Strangely I am not worried about any of this. I think it's the depression though. I don't necessarily get sad, I become unmotivated and stop caring, instead.

When it rains it pours.

A Special Design by PrincessK

Swing by One More Fairy Tale and see what PrincessK designed for me! I LOVE the layout, especially the flip-flops because I live in them once the weather hits 50 degrees.

You can get your own custom designed layout by PrincessK at Princess Designs.

Thanks PrincessK!

Returning to Square One

I feel so wrong for feeling let down. Why am I feeling sadness? I called the rheumatologist's office on Friday to find out the lab results from Anime's latest testing. I was absolutely stunned to hear the nurse tell me that the testing no showed signs of lupus and no signs of ANY auto-immune disease! I was so shocked that I barely remember what else I asked her other than if we needed to keep the appointment scheduled for September.

Don't get me wrong, people. . . I am THRILLED that she doesn't have lupus or any other autoimmune disease!

But we're back to being without any answers. We still have no idea what it is going on with her system. We're back to square one and that is NOT a place I want to be. I was let-down because I thought we were close to an answer, a diagnosis, and now we're not. Granted, it's something ruled out but where do we go from here?

The nurse said that we are still to call if she has fevers over a two-week period. We are still to follow the medicine schedule, although I still don't understand how a pain medicine is supposed to stem off her symptoms of fever and fatigue. We should still chart/journal her health and pain over the next several months and return in September.

After talking with my mom and mom-in-law (still not sure what to call her as she's not really my MIL any more, more like a "second" mom) I have decided to get a copy of these lab results and take them to our new general practitioner. I'm scheduling an appointment for a general (thorough) check-up for her with Dr. H (our new GP) and want to review her history with him to see what options he thinks we should explore. Her symptoms are so generalized to so many things that I guess we're going to have to work on differential diagnosis to find our answers. Researching via the web has shown ideas, some as simple as mononucleosis; others such as Lyme Disease or West Nile (both highly probable in our area), to others that are arguable in their classifications like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Maybe it's a B-12 deficiency or a serious step infection that simple won't go away. There are so many "ifs" out there that you could drive yourself insane trying to figure it out.

All I really know is that my child has "episodes" of fever & fatigue that we can see coming on based on how she acts and looks. She has constant pain in her legs. She is severely cold compared to others and she has pain in her chest along with some shortness of breath that the inhaler didn't relieve. This is not normal for a healthy fifteen year old and it has been happening since her first strep infection in September of 2007. And no-one has been able to tell us why or look at me like I'm not some hypochondriac mom (which anyone who knows me would tell you that I most definitely am not, I tend to fall along in the "suck it up, you're fine" camp).

So as not to miss any more school, I'm making the appointment for a No School day in April, which will also give us a little time to document her health ups & downs. Anime handles this so much better than I do. She's doesn't seem to worry while I torment myself with the thought of what if she turns out to be one of the patients that by the time they figure it all out, it's too late because whatever she has is wreaking havoc in her system right now (okay some paranoia creeping out here).

The main reason we're going to her GP is that her grandma (my MIL) works there (and has worked there for many years) and if there's one thing I've learned in life . . . nepotism works. There will be a bit more of a push to find answers because Grandma is there and you take care of family.

In the meantime, I'll do my best to keep my paranoia at bay.

Anime & the Rheumatologist

For those of you that have been following me for a while, you might remember that we have been going through ups and downs with Anime's health. We have been (not so) patiently waiting to see the rheumatologist in our area that agreed to see her. ( May a pox be cast on the rheumatologist on our insurance plan who refused to see her because she is not sixteen!) Monday was our big day. The office had given us the first available cancellation due to her increase in frequency of her symptoms.

We were told early on to be prepared to be there for a while as the doctor likes to give each patient the time they need rather than rush patients in and out. He did that, and for that I am grateful. What he didn't do was give us a diagnosis.

Maybe I went in expecting too much? Perhaps I was fooling myself, even though I know there is no one specific test for lupus? Maybe I just wanted, so badly, to know what is running rampant in my daughter's system so that we could finally understand where all this is coming from and what we are facing in the future? Probably all of this combined is what was running in my head.

What did we get? We got a "maybe". Maybe this is lupus. Maybe not. He agreed that there is definitely something wrong, something that most likely is in the auto-immune disease category. But we have no concrete answers. Nothing to still the questions or, at the very least, send my question in a new direction. We do have a plan, of sorts.

We are to keep a diary. Track each day, her ups & downs, her temperatures, when we see her starting to go down-hill & how long it takes for her to recover, when she is taking meds & when she is not. Most importantly, we are to track how she responds to the sun. Specifically, does she break out in a rash & is it on her face (most typically in a butterfly pattern), and/or does she become ill with exposure to direct sunlight. The doctor had wanted to know how she reacted to the sun last summer but I couldn't tell him as A) I wasn't paying attention to it last summer, and B) she rarely went outside last summer because she felt so crummy most of the time. Apparently reaction to sunlight is a big factor in diagnosing lupus, although I have read that not all lupus patients have the photosensitivity component.

We did come home with one pain reliever to try. She is taking prescription strength Naproxen at 500mg twice a day. She is taking it for two weeks now and then will go off it to see how she does. When I see her start to slide down-hill again she is to back on the Naproxen to see if it will help curb the symptoms. This is a stop-gap to get her through the rest of the school year as she is dangerously close to the maximum number of sick days allowed. Regular doses of ibuprofen don't even touch her pain, thus the higher dosage of Naproxen. Since it can upset your stomach, she also has Omeprazole to take before hand, to limit the stomach discomfort of the Naproxen. She is also taking Loratidine again to help with hayfever, sinuses, etc. to see how that affects the symptoms.

I was surprised that a chest X-ray was not ordered, considering the pain she has when breathing. Nothing was done in regards to her shortness of breath and chest pain. She did donate more blood to the lab vampires for various tests. The office will not call us unless anything is abnormal, but I plan to call tomorrow to find out what the results were and what her ASO, ANA, and hemoglobin levels were. I also want to ask if they tested for all of these things, which go along with lupus.


All in all, I don't feel we're any further ahead than we were before. I still feel like I'm being a hypochondriac when telling doctors what she's been going through. Most of her symptoms are so general to many diseases that sometimes I feel as if they're looking at me like I'm making it all up. We were told that if she starts to have a fever or more per week over the course of a couple of weeks we need to call in to the office. He said they may not be able to get her in to be seen because he is so busy and is short two partners. If that is the case we are to take her to her general practitioner. This is not because they will really do anything for her, but rather to have it "documented" on her medical record for the sake of diagnosis. Hell, if I'd realized that, I would have taken her in for EVERY fever she's had over the past year and a half. But I didn't because I knew they wouldn't do anything for her or they'd do the reverse and just stick her on another antibiotic. I'm one who prefers not to use medication unless absolutely necessary.

I'm frustrated and worried and scared. Scared that this may turn out to be something huge that's being missed with how slow this whole process of diagnosis is. Worried that something irrevocable is happening inside her body to any number of organ systems while we search for a diagnosis in order to be able to start some type of treatment. Frustrated that in a country with such supposedly wonderful health care, we have to wait MONTHS to see a specialist.

So I will track her health and every little thing that goes along with that. We are set to go back again on September 9th to show our little diary to the rheumatologist. SEVEN MORE MONTHS! It's ridiculous. A big part of me is wondering about attempting to get her in to be seen aT a children's hospital/clinic about 5 hours away from us or even if we could get into another rheumatologist in either of the (bigger) cities that are about 3 hours from us. Or would it be better to stay the course and document for the next several months. I know that we will have to call back for an earlier appointment because there's just no way that she will go seven months without another relapse into fevers/fatigue.

This is a guessing game that I don't want to play anymore.


LUPUS FOUNDATION OF AMERICA, INC.

Beckoning

The wanderer in me is beckoning. It starts as a whisper, a passing thought, turns into random daydreams, until it is a strong voice in my soul, pushing, cajoling, calling. It is a siren's call to the bohemian in me. Pack up, pick up, jump in the car and go. Pick a direction, any direction, and drive.

It is squelched by the responsible side of me. Children need stability, routine, the familiarity of their life of the moment. This is what I had growing up. They've had too much instability in their short lives already.

Their father had travel, constant change, lots of upheaval. Here, there, from the Midwest to Hawaii, to Samoa, Thailand, back to the Midwest with a few different states mixed in. Childhood possessions reduced to what could fit in one small box. I saw the effect it had on him and his sisters.

I want the stability for my children. It is why I stay where I am now.

My soul calls out for change, new lifestyles, new people, new places. I am a vagabond at heart, I'm learning. Dreams find us living overseas, or traveling North America for a year or two. Just to show the kids all the different lifestyles there are. That ours is not the only way to live, nor the best way to live.

So the responsibility and the vagabond war within me. The stable, responsible me will win. I weep for the bohemian that will remain caged. For now.