Houses here, houses there, houses everywhere!

Mr. Irony and I have been watching homes for sale through a couple of Internet sites for the past few months. About 3 weeks ago we started looking at the homes in person. Granted we haven't been to more than a handful yet, but I'm already approaching burnout. Our needs are not great but they are definite. Four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and AT LEAST 1400 square feet. You see, we are putting 6 people into one home and anything smaller than that will cause insanity and possibly mutiny (from the adults or kids, I don't know). Even though one of those six will be off to college the majority of the time, she still needs her space too...especially in the summer when she will be home full-time. So 4 kids + 2 adults + one tiny dog = a minimum of 1400 sq. ft.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE to look at houses. So much so that I will attend open houses just for the fun of it. Yep, I'm that kind of geeky. However, I'm finding it hard this time around to be patient. Just hand me a house that meets the requirements and fits in our price range and I'll be good to go.

The question of how long I'll need to continue renting in our small town is beginning to peck away at me. Here's why: My three will leave for part of the summer to be with Mr. Ex halfway across the country. I would like to be moved before they leave, so that they know where exactly they are coming back to. I do not want them to leave with me still living here in our small town only to return in August to find me living in the big city (or a suburb thereof) with Mr. Irony and his daughter, with everything strange and different. Others around me think this is the perfect way to end the chapter of our life in this small town and would be potentially be easier on the kids to not be part of the moving process. Who's right? I don't know. I just don't want my three down south, wondering where they're coming back to. I also don't want to give Mr. Ex any reasons to think that the kids should stay with him and his fiancee.

There's something in me that really needs to have the changes in my life finished. I know that I can't rush it. Things will happen in their own time. But I can't help feeling that the longer I stay here, the more I'm going backwards. Even with reducing some of the jobs/events that were taking up my time I still can't keep up. Other events/activities keep popping up that have to be attended or taken care of. I refuse to miss any activity of my kids' that I can possibly attend and this time of year tends to be crazy. Plus, I never realized how much time Jr. High students sports can take up. We are all ready for the school year to be over. I have 14 days of work left and it's downright scary how much I need to finish up in that time. I'm guessing that I will most likely wind up working past those 14 days in order to have things/paperwork finished for the new person next year. Not to mention that I need to get my application packets finished and sent out for schools that are hiring in my field for next year.

Maybe I expect too much. One month ago I was experiencing severe burn-out and I thought that it wouldn't take long to overcome that. Boy was I wrong. One month later I still feel almost as burned-out as before. I guess it is a little better in that there has been at least one day per week lately that I feel I have energy to accomplish something beyond what is required to keep the house clean and all of us in clean clothes. Maybe I need to give myself a little more slack and not expect quite so much. Maybe. Maybe I'll get it all done at work. Maybe I'll eventually get caught up at home. Maybe we'll find a house within the next couple of weeks. Maybe I'll win tomorrow's powerball lottery (ha! good one).

Maybe I'll just be able to sleep through the night tonight. I'll start with that.

Normal

Last week Mr. Irony & I spent our weekly "date" hanging out at Barnes & Noble with my kids. They were one of the few schools to be off that day while Mr. Irony's daughter did have school. I know it seems like something minor to most people, but it was major to me. We did nothing spectacular, simply browsed books and had something from Starbucks. (Mmmm....Starbuck's). I found it to be highly enjoyable because it was so normal. So family. We then loaded everyone up and drove through a nearby suburb to scout houses. Again, something a "normal" family would do. We stopped at the local food co-op & made our own peanut butter out of peanuts only. Okay that part is not so "normal" for most families but it is pretty cool!

I know that there are all kinds of families out there and that I do tend to eschew what is considered "normal" here in rural America, but that simple outing fed something in my soul that has been aching to be "normal". To be part of something where I was not the only adult on their own helped fill a little of that void I didn't even completely realize was there.

Even when I was married to Mr. Ex I attended the majority of events & outings alone with the kids. It didn't matter if it were school events, social events, or family events, he was rarely there or if he was, he was doing his own thing. To be fair, I rarely spoke up to let him know how much this bothered me. Family events, although fun & familiar, were especially hard because our families knew the truth, even if I wasn't ready to admit it yet. At least with strangers I could use the excuse of Mr. Ex's work keeping him busy.

So that afternoon outing left me with a sense of peace for the day. It wasn't perfect, the kids fought some and got on our nerves. There was some whining at B&N, I got a little stressed, it was cold & windy. But it left me with hope. Hope that my little dysfunctional family of four will make the transition to a family of six successfully. Hope that the partnership between Mr. Irony and myself will be a true partnership. Hope that I can still hope & not be shot down. Hope that we can live a "normal" life. Granted I don't wish to be normal in the "normal" sense. I want to raise the kids to think "what box?" instead of thinking "outside the box". I want to be an eco-conscious family, non-stereotypical, yet still "normal" with two stable, loving adults for all four kids to turn to. Not to much to ask, no?

Flight to Rwanda

There are a great many blogs that I follow and I will, every now and then, post a link to some of these wonderful ladies posts. Today I want to highlight the blog of Jen Lemen. This lady makes me stop and think and be grateful for the blessings that I have. Check her out & say "hello". She is currently raising money for a trip to Rwanda. If anyone can spread blessings internationally it's this woman. Send her your blessings, prayers, good wishes.

Happy Tuesday ya'll.

The Final Countdown

Ok, so if you're like me you are now humming "Final Countdown" (Circa 1986) by Europe.

I have 19 days of work left. Granted that is spread out over the next 5 1/2 weeks but still, that's not much time left. I thought this would be the end of my days of working within the educational system but a position has opened in what will be the kids' new school next year. Sooooo... I am going to suck it up and apply for it. I know this isn't what I want to do but it will make a lot of life easier next year. Plus, I'd have to be hired first. Wouldn't want to get the cart before the horse.

I have so much that needs to get done and just am seriously lacking in motivation to do anything. These last couple of years have taken a greater toll on me than I've admitted to. I honestly thought that once the weather got warmer and the sun was shining again I would bounce back to my "normal" self. That's not happening. I still just want to spend my time hiding in a book or in bed with the covers over my head. I'm not allowing myself to do either but I'm most definitely not getting anything accomplished either. At least during the winter I had a reason for a cluttered house. Now I don't.

I have taken antidepressants in the past and wonder if I should be again. I hate taking medicine. Even though I seem to have little trouble eating lots of junk, I have a mental block about putting medications into my system. I do wonder how much of my energy is being drained by my work environment, because I am far more "down" on days that I work than on days that I don't.

Yes, this post is something of a downer. I apologize. That seems to be my default setting as of late.

I'm going to go treat myself now with a caramel steamer.

Anime's Medical Update

All test results are in and nothing has been found. Everything was normal except for her strep titer, which is still quite high. Our next step is to be referred on to either a neurologist or a doctor of physical medicine. We will go back in to our new pediatrician mid-May for a referral to the dr of physical medicine, hopefully after we have insurance. On the bright side, it is seemingly indicative of post-strep arthritis. On the dark side....well... I'm sticking with the bright side.