Friday, April 1, 2011

Now Hurt by Then


That pretty much sums up my feelings about everything right now.

I feel like I've landed back on the hamster wheel. . . running, running, running and going nowhere.

I'm longing for sunshine. Bright, bright, warm happy sunlight.

When the sun is shining I feel energized . . . more like a person and less like a zombie.

It's become too easy to ignore everything and let it all slide away.

Where did the joy go? The satisfaction in the little things?

Too often lately, or maybe not often enough, I've been thinking about the last few years of my marriage and realizing that I've been soul-less since then. I'm finally admitting that it was an abusive relationship. Not physically . . . but mentally and emotionally. I allowed the soul to be sucked right out of me. I thought I was okay, that the kids and I were okay, but I see now that we're not and never really have been. We are all scarred by the relationship with Mr. Ex. Deeply scarred. Only now, years later, is it really showing up. It scares me because I don't know how to fix it. I don't know how to address these wounds but I know in me somewhere that I have to.

Anime is deeply scarred, seriously wounded by the relationship with her dad (whom she refers to as "the donor"). Actress is more and more angry at the world each day. Action needs stability and routine or he doesn't know how to hold himself together.

It's not like our life is a horrible mess, but I can down the road to where it might be.

I read somewhere that sometimes making a change is simply running away in a different direction. I think I've simply been running even though I'm still here.

So much of this song makes me think about my former marriage. Except that I would never consider going back. Ever. I just regret staying so long.

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