Friday, March 27, 2009




Feebly grasping at a lifeline.

Peering into the bottom,

rapidly approaching.

One more grab,

holding on tightly,

Hanging over the precipice.

Up or down?


I hadn't meant to disappear. The day after my last post found me in the ER being treated for hyper-emesis. It is something most commonly associated with pregnancy but is something that has plagued me since my teens. It's a little gross but when I throw-up I have the tendency to not be able stop vomiting. Since then I have been inexplicably tired. So much so that for the past three weeks about all I have done is work and sleep.

Now that I'm starting to wake up I'm able to see that much of the sleep is depression induced. Much as I've tried to fight it, I know my signs, and I know when I need help. Yesterday I went for a full check-up and started back on antidepressants.

The doctor visit was prompted by my cholesterol level and by a second ER visit last week. I thought I was having a heart attack, although it turns out it was more likely a gallbladder attack. So yesterday I was poked and prodded, and took my turn with the lab vampires. They took blood to check cholesterol levels, liver and kidney functions, thyroid functions, and , oh joy!, STD's. Why STD's you wonder? Well, Mr. Ex was not a faithful hubby and I never did get tested for anything when it all came to light. My lovely new doctor convinced me that it needed to be done, for my safety. So test we did.

On Monday I go back for an ultrasound of my abdomen to see what's going on in there. That will be followed by two moles that are being biopsied and a brand new prescription for cholesterol meds. In spite of my dietary changes my cholesterol has continued to rise and hit a new high yesterday of 298. Yes, you read that correctly. It is nearly 300. The bad cholesterol was 230 while the good was at 40. These are not good numbers and I am coming to terms with the fact that I will need to take cholesterol meds for the rest of my life.

Thursday will see my having my second mammogram in two years. The doctor felt a change in my left breast so we are following up on that. My mother had Stage 0 breast cancer (did you know it doesn't start at Stage 1? I didn't until my mom went through this.) I had a baseline mammogram done two years ago, at the recommendation of my mom's oncologist so at least we have something to compare the new mammogram to.

Strangely I am not worried about any of this. I think it's the depression though. I don't necessarily get sad, I become unmotivated and stop caring, instead.

When it rains it pours.


Shania said...

Oh hon. I'm so sorry. With everything going on with you, the one thing that sticks with me is the hyper emesis. I had that with my second child. 22 years later, I still cringe at the memory. It almost killed both of us.

I'm glad you realize when you need help. That's a huge step.

Vanessa said...

Hang in there, there's a lot of us pulling for you. Two ER visits in a week is exhausting. Hopefully the antidepressants help quickly and the docs find some good answers for you. HUGS

Leanne said...

I can certainly relate to how you are handling your situation. I'm feeling that way, but for other reasons.

My prayers are with you, and for you. You'll find the light soon.

Anonymous said...

("I think it's the depression though. I don't necessarily get sad, I become unmotivated and stop caring, instead.")


The Modern Gal said...

I'm a little late on this as I'm just getting caught up on some reading, but I'm so sorry to hear about what you're going through. I'm thinking of you and praying things get a little easier.