Monday, February 9, 2009

A Recap in Which I Ramble

It's been a busy week, yet it really hasn't.

Friday found us at the local ski lodge for Actress's Girl Scout meeting. For $5 they were able to ski all evening. Actress picked it up like the natural athlete she is; within an hour she was skiing the bigger hills . . . no more bunny hill for her. I brought Action along as he's been dying to snowboard somewhere other than Grandma and Grandpa's big ditch. LOL. He was a bit more spendy ($45) and while he enjoyed it, he decided he'd rather ski next time. Both of them are hooked now. Anime didn't get to join us as she was ill that day (although lately, when isn't she ill!?) We live only a few miles from this ski lodge and I'd really like to go again and actually try skiing myself. I grew up water-skiing and I've been told by those that know me and know how to ski that I should pick it up fairly quickly. I much prefer the kids to be involved in sports that they may continue beyond school, things like golf, baseball or softball, swimming, skiing. None of mine have a high interest in basketball or football. Action fizzled with soccer and although Actress wants to try soccer, we have decided to investigate the local martial arts center instead.

On another note, I called the rheumatologist's office a couple of weeks ago to inquire again if we could be moved up to an earlier appointment as Anime seems to be struggling more and more. They agreed to move her to "high priority" on their list. I didn't actually expect anything to come of it but last week received a phone call asking if we could come in on Monday, Feb. 16th! Of course we can! As luck would have it there is no school that day and I have the day off from work! That kind of luck doesn't happen very often with me. So I'm counting down the days and hoping that we come home next Monday with something concrete and the beginning of a plan of action. If this kid misses much more school she'll be repeating, and considering she's already repeated a grade due to her dyslexia, I do not want her repeating another. She's been told by me that as much as I hate to say it, she has to go to school unless she's vomiting or in the hospital, no if, ands, or buts.

As for me, well, I'm struggling again. I started a week behind with school and am realy struggling to catch up. I had my first physiology exam on Friday and I failed. Yes, failed. Had it been all multiple choice I could have passed and maybe even pulled a "B" but 40% of the grade was based on essay questions and I just couldn't pull the info out of my brain to explain chemical sequences and the exact process of DNA/RNA in detail. I am seriously questioning if I have the self-discipline to do this.

I also received my test date for the nursing school entrance exam. One week from tomorrow at the exact time I am scheduled to work. Trying to switch shifts with people is worse than pulling teeth. I am waiting for a call back from the school to see if the test is being given on any alternate dates.

I'm in a funk right now. Questioning my decisions, my parenting abilities, my whole "where I am going in life". I've been avoiding writing & studying & doing anything at all by spending too many hours browsing the internet, taking quizzes on Facebook, increasing my high score on Gem Swap II, anything but what I should be doing.

Part of my funk is highlighted by Friday night at the ski lodge. I ran into a friend of my sister's. We visited for a while and then Mr. Ex showed up (he was taking the kids home that night as it was his weekend). Mr. Ex and the friend began visiting even though he didn't remember ever meeting her (and honestly I don't think he ever had even though she insisted they had). The friend is a photographer and Mr. Ex asked to accompany her because he though wedding photography would be a fun side business. They irritated me in how they referenced my sister's wedding photo business. It also irritated me because photography is something I've wanted to pursue but have never been brave enough to do so. But the kicker was when a former sister-in-law called the friend (yes this family is so hard to follow that we even know each other's friends) the friend said that she was visiting with Mr. Ex and - uh- um - I quickly filled in "former sister-in-law" for her instead of my name as it dawned on me that even though we have met and visited several times she didn't remember my name! She remember Mr. Ex's name but not mine. And that right there summed up what I have been feeling for a long time. I am not memorable. I am one of those people that everyone likes but no one remembers. The story of my life in one sentence.

Now I know it's poor form to write about feeling sorry for myself, and I'm not feeling sorry for myself exactly. I just feel like I'm drifting again and what I do is of no import. I know that's not true, I have three little souls whose lives are deeply affected by my actions. It's all just part of this funk I'm in, I know. I'd just like to find that circle, that "tribe", where I fit, instead of always feeling like the outsider.


Anonymous said...

Wow... well if we were to sit down over coffee and talk this through I would say this: If you believe it to be true then it is.

I don't think you are unmemorable but for whatever reason YOU DO. The only person's opinion you need to change is your own. Why do you think you're unmemorable? What would you want to be memorable for? Why do you think people are more memorable than you? I mean your ex may be memorable beacuse he's a jerk (I don't know if he is but its an example), someone else might be memorable because they dress like a tramp. What do you want to be remembered for?
I've forgotten my closest friends names but thats not because they don't matter - it was just a moment where MY brain didn't work.

You need to find reasons why you like yourself. You need to remember who you are. Have you ever done The Artist's Way? I think you would LOVE it and it would help you answer some very important questions about yourself. xoxo

Shania said...

Simply put, dear, WE are your tribe.

J at said...

Hang in there hon, this funk shall pass. Sounds to me like you need a bit of time with some girlfriends without any kids around or something. Not a friend of your sisters...a real friend. Some laughs seem like they would do your soul good right now.

Vanessa said...

I think we all want to be remembered. We want to know we mean something to those we encounter on as we go through our lives. Basic human needs include wanting to be acknowledged and respected. I know you have these things, but maybe they are not coming from the people that matter to you? I know you touch many lives, but maybe that feedback isn't getting to you often enough.

(or you can just ignore me, I'm in kinda a funk myself)