Saturday, July 19, 2008

"I know that it's time for a cool change "

Can you name that song and artist from the title?

I've been browsing quotes for moving trucks today. Then it hit me. This is really happening. We're moving. We're leaving the place that we've called our home base for the last six years. My parents will no longer be just down the road. I won't have a job where I know everyone and am comfortable. I won't know all of the kid's friends and their parents (and aunts and uncles and grandparents, yes it's a REALLY small town). I won't be able to call for a pizza and have them recognize my voice. I know there will be things that are better. I know that. But see? Everything is going to change.

And I'm scared.

So many "what if's" are crowding my brain today. What if this is too hard on the kids? What if they don't make friends? Worse, what if they fall in with the wrong kids? What if Mr. Ex and I really start fighting? What if I can't find a job that will at least pay my bills? What if the kids want to live with their dad? What if Mr. Irony and I can't make it work? What if I fall apart?

I sat down today to also do the paperwork for the January class of nursing school. And realized that, once again, I majorly effed up. I have been strolling along think I had plenty of time, after all the deadline isn't until October 1st, right? Wrong. It's July 1st. Or rather, it WAS July 1st. So, now the start of nursing school is on the back-burner for 12 more months because I was too blond to do the paperwork early. Although it does open up the possibility of getting into the one year accelerated program starting August of 2009. Anyway . . .

Today I have been somewhat paralyzed by the enormity of everything. Everything, EVERYTHING, is going to change in less than one month. The only constant will be the kids and I together. I have to get it together because they need me to be constant, steady . . . basically, their rock. Actress and Action don't remember anywhere but here. Anime remembers, but she's never done very well with change. Right now it all seems too hard, too scary. Sometimes, like right now, I wonder just how the hell I got to where I am. What happened to me that everything fell apart? I used to be such a go-getter. I used to set goals and achieve them. Regularly. Now? Now I'm lucky if I can remember what day it is. Seriously.

I was at W-Mart last week buying a sweatshirt and panicked because I couldn't find my wallet. I'd just had it, I remembered seeing it in my purse. Now when I needed to check out it was gone! I wailed across the check-out aisles to Mr. Irony, almost in tears. He graciously came to my rescue and paid for my silly purchase. As I went to bag the sweatshirt I realized where my wallet was. It was . . . tucked under my arm!!

These kinds of silly, stupid things have been happening more and more over the last few years. I honestly had no clue where that damn wallet had gone. And it was right there under my arm! Can I get any more blond? (And I can say this as I am 100% all natural Swedish/Norwegian blond.)

I have one more paycheck left from my education job and three more weeks of work at the restaurant. I have to find a job. Yet I don't want just a job. I need something that will provide enough for us and leave me with some sense of purpose for working. I don't know what direction to take, what type of job to look for, what I'm suited for.

I have the opportunity to change our lives. Hopefully for the better.

I know that it will all work out. I believe it will. If, it doesn't I'll deal with it. I'll push pass the panic attack and the nerves. I'll find answers to the problems. I have to.

Because I'm their rock and they need me and they're my whole world.


The Modern Gal said...

It is a big, overwhelming change ... you just have to take everything a day at a time and before long you'll be settled. And if something doesn't work out, you're strong enough to handle it!

Karen MEG said...

Little River band, right? Haven't heard that song in a long while... perfect for your situation, isn't it?
I think it's great that you're taking this opportunity. You'll do great, and your kids will be so very proud of you (bet they already are!).

Stumbled here via plurk, and so glad I did. Just surfed through your blog a bit've got a lot to be proud of already.

Mary said...

Cool Change by the Eagles, right? Good luck with the move; I know it's super scary but it will turn out great. Like the first poster said, takie it one day/one step at a time!

the mama bird diaries said...

This is such a stressful time for you! I'm so sorry. But you have great strength and you will get through this. Sending you lots of support.

Swishy said...

Moving is hard and change is hard (I am going through the same thing right now!) but you really will be OK. Better than OK ... great. Hang in there!

Diane said...

You are doing what's best for you and your family. The only thing you can do is trust your judgement. You and your children will be fine as long as you are doing your best. Take care and good luck.