Houses here, houses there, houses everywhere!

Mr. Irony and I have been watching homes for sale through a couple of Internet sites for the past few months. About 3 weeks ago we started looking at the homes in person. Granted we haven't been to more than a handful yet, but I'm already approaching burnout. Our needs are not great but they are definite. Four bedrooms, two bathrooms, and AT LEAST 1400 square feet. You see, we are putting 6 people into one home and anything smaller than that will cause insanity and possibly mutiny (from the adults or kids, I don't know). Even though one of those six will be off to college the majority of the time, she still needs her space too...especially in the summer when she will be home full-time. So 4 kids + 2 adults + one tiny dog = a minimum of 1400 sq. ft.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE to look at houses. So much so that I will attend open houses just for the fun of it. Yep, I'm that kind of geeky. However, I'm finding it hard this time around to be patient. Just hand me a house that meets the requirements and fits in our price range and I'll be good to go.

The question of how long I'll need to continue renting in our small town is beginning to peck away at me. Here's why: My three will leave for part of the summer to be with Mr. Ex halfway across the country. I would like to be moved before they leave, so that they know where exactly they are coming back to. I do not want them to leave with me still living here in our small town only to return in August to find me living in the big city (or a suburb thereof) with Mr. Irony and his daughter, with everything strange and different. Others around me think this is the perfect way to end the chapter of our life in this small town and would be potentially be easier on the kids to not be part of the moving process. Who's right? I don't know. I just don't want my three down south, wondering where they're coming back to. I also don't want to give Mr. Ex any reasons to think that the kids should stay with him and his fiancee.

There's something in me that really needs to have the changes in my life finished. I know that I can't rush it. Things will happen in their own time. But I can't help feeling that the longer I stay here, the more I'm going backwards. Even with reducing some of the jobs/events that were taking up my time I still can't keep up. Other events/activities keep popping up that have to be attended or taken care of. I refuse to miss any activity of my kids' that I can possibly attend and this time of year tends to be crazy. Plus, I never realized how much time Jr. High students sports can take up. We are all ready for the school year to be over. I have 14 days of work left and it's downright scary how much I need to finish up in that time. I'm guessing that I will most likely wind up working past those 14 days in order to have things/paperwork finished for the new person next year. Not to mention that I need to get my application packets finished and sent out for schools that are hiring in my field for next year.

Maybe I expect too much. One month ago I was experiencing severe burn-out and I thought that it wouldn't take long to overcome that. Boy was I wrong. One month later I still feel almost as burned-out as before. I guess it is a little better in that there has been at least one day per week lately that I feel I have energy to accomplish something beyond what is required to keep the house clean and all of us in clean clothes. Maybe I need to give myself a little more slack and not expect quite so much. Maybe. Maybe I'll get it all done at work. Maybe I'll eventually get caught up at home. Maybe we'll find a house within the next couple of weeks. Maybe I'll win tomorrow's powerball lottery (ha! good one).

Maybe I'll just be able to sleep through the night tonight. I'll start with that.

Normal

Last week Mr. Irony & I spent our weekly "date" hanging out at Barnes & Noble with my kids. They were one of the few schools to be off that day while Mr. Irony's daughter did have school. I know it seems like something minor to most people, but it was major to me. We did nothing spectacular, simply browsed books and had something from Starbucks. (Mmmm....Starbuck's). I found it to be highly enjoyable because it was so normal. So family. We then loaded everyone up and drove through a nearby suburb to scout houses. Again, something a "normal" family would do. We stopped at the local food co-op & made our own peanut butter out of peanuts only. Okay that part is not so "normal" for most families but it is pretty cool!

I know that there are all kinds of families out there and that I do tend to eschew what is considered "normal" here in rural America, but that simple outing fed something in my soul that has been aching to be "normal". To be part of something where I was not the only adult on their own helped fill a little of that void I didn't even completely realize was there.

Even when I was married to Mr. Ex I attended the majority of events & outings alone with the kids. It didn't matter if it were school events, social events, or family events, he was rarely there or if he was, he was doing his own thing. To be fair, I rarely spoke up to let him know how much this bothered me. Family events, although fun & familiar, were especially hard because our families knew the truth, even if I wasn't ready to admit it yet. At least with strangers I could use the excuse of Mr. Ex's work keeping him busy.

So that afternoon outing left me with a sense of peace for the day. It wasn't perfect, the kids fought some and got on our nerves. There was some whining at B&N, I got a little stressed, it was cold & windy. But it left me with hope. Hope that my little dysfunctional family of four will make the transition to a family of six successfully. Hope that the partnership between Mr. Irony and myself will be a true partnership. Hope that I can still hope & not be shot down. Hope that we can live a "normal" life. Granted I don't wish to be normal in the "normal" sense. I want to raise the kids to think "what box?" instead of thinking "outside the box". I want to be an eco-conscious family, non-stereotypical, yet still "normal" with two stable, loving adults for all four kids to turn to. Not to much to ask, no?

Flight to Rwanda

There are a great many blogs that I follow and I will, every now and then, post a link to some of these wonderful ladies posts. Today I want to highlight the blog of Jen Lemen. This lady makes me stop and think and be grateful for the blessings that I have. Check her out & say "hello". She is currently raising money for a trip to Rwanda. If anyone can spread blessings internationally it's this woman. Send her your blessings, prayers, good wishes.

Happy Tuesday ya'll.

The Final Countdown

Ok, so if you're like me you are now humming "Final Countdown" (Circa 1986) by Europe.

I have 19 days of work left. Granted that is spread out over the next 5 1/2 weeks but still, that's not much time left. I thought this would be the end of my days of working within the educational system but a position has opened in what will be the kids' new school next year. Sooooo... I am going to suck it up and apply for it. I know this isn't what I want to do but it will make a lot of life easier next year. Plus, I'd have to be hired first. Wouldn't want to get the cart before the horse.

I have so much that needs to get done and just am seriously lacking in motivation to do anything. These last couple of years have taken a greater toll on me than I've admitted to. I honestly thought that once the weather got warmer and the sun was shining again I would bounce back to my "normal" self. That's not happening. I still just want to spend my time hiding in a book or in bed with the covers over my head. I'm not allowing myself to do either but I'm most definitely not getting anything accomplished either. At least during the winter I had a reason for a cluttered house. Now I don't.

I have taken antidepressants in the past and wonder if I should be again. I hate taking medicine. Even though I seem to have little trouble eating lots of junk, I have a mental block about putting medications into my system. I do wonder how much of my energy is being drained by my work environment, because I am far more "down" on days that I work than on days that I don't.

Yes, this post is something of a downer. I apologize. That seems to be my default setting as of late.

I'm going to go treat myself now with a caramel steamer.

Anime's Medical Update

All test results are in and nothing has been found. Everything was normal except for her strep titer, which is still quite high. Our next step is to be referred on to either a neurologist or a doctor of physical medicine. We will go back in to our new pediatrician mid-May for a referral to the dr of physical medicine, hopefully after we have insurance. On the bright side, it is seemingly indicative of post-strep arthritis. On the dark side....well... I'm sticking with the bright side.

Snow Day?!

Aaaahhh, snow. Cold, wet, white, freakin snow. Mother Nature must be a little mixed up right now because my calendar says its SPRING! You know, days of sunshine, rain, sunshine, new green grass, sunshine, budding trees, sunshine. Unbelievable that the first snow day the school has called is at the end of March. What the heck will April look like? Maybe a couple of blizzards?

I'm just disappointed because Mr. Irony and I were going to celebrate my (belated) birthday by going house hunting. We have found our "perfect" home in a far flung suburb (think 15-20 minute drive into the city) and had a morning appointment to view (and photograph). Mr. Irony is still going and has promised to send me pics. Since I am almost 2 hours from the city it's just plain stupid of me to pack up all 3 kids and attempt to drive through the (still falling) snow. Waaah!

On the bright side I have an extra day to get caught up on those mountains of laundry that seem to continue to grow, even after I think I've scaled them. It's also a good chance to get started on organizing by following this. I think you could safely call me the queen of clutter or maybe organizationally challenged. I'm in love with this blog and bow down to the queen of de-cluttering! She is my organizational idol.

Yesterday was a movie day to celebrate the passing of one more year on this earth. We took in "Horton Hears a Who", and rented "Enchanted", "The Seeker", and "Becoming Jane". Wait for the DVD on "Horton", it was cute but not a must see on the big screen. We were utterly enchanted with "Enchanted" and "The Seeker" was good but the book is so much better ("The Dark is Rising" by Susan Cooper). "Becoming Jane will be the afternoon entertainment here today as I was too sleepy to watch it last night. Anything Jane Austen requires absolute attention in this household.

Happy Snow Day all, even if you're having wonderful sunny weather. (Sigh, I want some too!)

Wait and See: Medical Mysteries?

To my friends who follow this and to all new visitors I apologize for the lack of communication these last few weeks. I thought that life would calm down once I was finished with both my restaurant job and my position as a cheerleading coach. What I hadn't counted on was the immense fatigue that I'm still struggling to overcome and the depression that has set in. I will expand upon that later, I promise, in addition to some (hopefully) entertaining stories about chaperoning 5 teenage cheerleaders at a state basketball tournament.

Tonight I need to talk about my daughter. My oldest, the one most like me, my Anime. Last fall Anime contracted a strep infection that manifested in the skin on her legs. Yes, she had the fever and fatigue that comes with strep, but her legs.......
her legs were monster-movie scary. What started as a small red rash quickly progressed to huge red/purple welts that were hot to touch and caused her intense pain. I had only seen pictures of an infection like that before. Her doctor ruled out MRSA (scary staph infection), treated with antibiotics, and it did get better. But for over a week her legs were painful to touch and it took a good month before the last vestiges of the rash was no longer visible.

Since then she has had constant, persistent pain in her legs. Pain that has made her cry after volleyball practice, pain that has her asking for lots of leg massages. Pain like she has never had to deal with in her 14 years. I know that there are many worse things out there that other people deal with but this is my child and it's hard to watch and not be able to do anything to help. She's taken another course of antibiotics because strep is still present in her system even though she shows no symptoms.

Today we saw a pediatric specialist in the city we will be moving to this summer. This wonderful doctor spent over an hour listening to her and listening to me. We couldn't get any definitive diagnosis yet but he gave me hope that he won't give up on this until we get it figured out. Poor thing, they drew SIX vials of blood today for all of the tests they are running on her. It's scary that there are so many things that her symptoms fit and none of them have actual tests that can be run to just say, "yes, this is what she has". The whole process will have to be based on differential diagnosis, which is where they rule out everything they can in the hopes of narrowing the choices down to what is really wrong. Then there are things that could be wrong but that eventually go away on their own, such as "post-strep arthritis" (never heard of that before). That would be a good thing to have as it does eventually work its way out of your system, but it can take up to two years before it does so.

I have been blessed in that, barring one bad winter in which Actress had three strep infections and was eventually diagnosed with mono, my children have been very healthy. I have never had to experience the worry that goes along with a child dealing with any long lasting illness. I'm learning that the worry can be downright soul-sucking. Especially when you just don't know what you're dealing with. It could be something major and yet it might be something minor that will just take time to work itself out of her system. There's just really no telling at this point. It's time to play "wait & see".

So Very Eighties

An eighties playlist. Check it out.

Nothing Left to Draw On

Fried. Exhausted. Overwhelmed.

This week has been hard in the fact that I have nothing left to draw from. My reserves are tapped. Empty. Depleted. Yet I've kept going. And will continue to keep going throughout the next week.

One job ended today. Alas, I am a server no more. My coaching job ends next weekend. My coaching days will then be done for good. If I had any energy left I might feel sad about leaving the restaurant. My serving job was one of the few things I have right now that I knew I was good at. But my kids need me more than we need the extra cash. I've goofed up trying to be everything but have finally realized that I can't. I can't make the income that two parents make, I can't be a mom and a dad to the kids. I can't be everything to everyone. In trying to do so I've become lost, once again.

One more week to get through trying to be everything to everyone. One more week of just trying to get by. Maybe when this next week is over and I get past being sleep deprived I'll be able to look at the sunny-side again.

Thanks be to the higher powers for the almighty cup of coffee because without that caffeine power-up each morning, I highly doubt I could make it through the next six days.

Quote of the day

"Vanity, working on a weak mind, produces all kinds of mischief." Mr. Knightly in "Emma" by Jane Austen.

Ruminate on that for a while. How many people do you know that this might apply to?

Influenza anyone?

Well, I guess it was inevitable. Two of the three children had it, Mr. Irony had it, both of my parents had it, about half the students and teachers at school have had it, why not me? At least I had a flu shot so the symptoms aren't quite as bad. At least the fever finally broke this morning. Now I'm just flat out exhausted with a sinus infection to top it off. Fun!

I canceled all piano lessons for today and seriously doubt that I'll make it to EMT class tonight. I took Anime to the doctor this morning for blood work and that completely wiped me out. She went back to school afterwards and I went back to bed. Screw the housework and laundry today. I'm heading back to bed for another nap.

Something for those relatives you love to hate

Or in my case, someone who I thought was one of my best friends....but in reality turned out to be my worst enemy. You have to check out this post if you've ever had a relative or close friend that you've wanted to tell to f#@k off but never have! Hope you have as much fun choosing which lines you would insert as I did! Thank you Ellie's Mommie for being so creative!