Sunday, February 17, 2008

Can I accept me and let go?

Life has been so crazy busy lately that I have gone days without even turning on the computer. Right now (unbelievably to me) I have quiet time. The kids are staying with grandparents and won't be home until later this afternoon, and since my Sunday School students were ALL absent today, I am home early with time to catch up on my blog reading. I haven been feeling particularly uninspired this month. I think a lot of that has to do with the speed at which the hamster-wheel of my life has been running. With basketball, cheerleading, wrestling, EMT class, work, and piano there has been barely a moment to be still. I am wiped out, dried up, running on empty.

I am realizing that there is a mountain-range sized difference between letting go and avoidance/lack of action. I believed that I've fooled myself into letting go of several issues/feelings/wants, but what I've done instead is just pushed them all down, repressing things or avoiding life. Life is scary, especially when you've lived so long having given over control of life to those around you. I read a post this morning that pushed me to really examine what's been going on in me....or rather what I've been avoiding about me. Schmoopy's blog on letting go just resonated with me this morning. I hope it can do the same for you, if that's what you need right now.

I know how it is that I want to live my life and raise my children. What I need is the impetus to make those lifestyle changes and do so. I want to raise ecologically and socially conscious children who are not afraid to be different from the norm. Trying to live a so-called "normal" life really sucks when you are not "normal". I need to embrace my differences, not try to sublimate them to "fit in". I differ from most everyone I currently know in that I don't think change is a nasty word. Sure it can be hard but how else do we grow and learn? I see nothing wrong in moving my family to a new city, one much larger than they ever remember living in, but much smaller than my favorite cities that I have lived in (Tulsa, Honolulu). I want the city experience for my children. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with growing up in a small town, it is not what I want my children to live for their entire childhood. I want them to know people whose beliefs and backgrounds are different from theirs. I want them to grow up with open minds, willing to embrace new experiences, not be afraid of them.

I need to instill self-confidence in me. I need to learn that while I can respect other's opinions I don't have to judge myself by them. I need to let go of my need to be accepted by everyone and just accept myself for who I am. I need to let go of the feeling that I always need to be doing more and accept that it's okay to just be still at times. I need to focus on those things that interest me and fulfill me.

Right now I am struggling with an employment decision. Should I apply for educational positions in our soon to be new city or take a route less traveled? The educational job will provide the same salary I make now, insurance (for me at least), and daytime working hours while I go through the curriculum of nursing school. However, I find this type of employment to be soul-sucking, draining, and I know that it is something I don't have a heart for anymore. Or should I take a far less traveled route and take a job as a nursing assistant, an EMT-B (if I could find one), or even as a Starbuck's employee? The school position has it benefits, I just find it hard to do when I know it's not where I want or even should be.

I need to sit down and write my list of what I want to manifest in my life. I challenge you to do the same. When mine is written I will post it to keep me accountable for the direction I want my life to take. Until my next quiet time to write.....Ciao amici!

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