1/31/09 Day 17/365

~sunshine

~ a high reaching 50 degrees

~the thrill of melting snow hinting at the promise of spring (I know it's still too early yet)

~time to read without pressure to do anything else

~visiting with wonderful patients

1/30/09 Day 16/365

Grace in the Small Things

~the smell of coffee brewing

~movies in the mail

~catching up with friends

~alone time

~my new laptop lap desk

1/29/09 Day 15/365

~lunch at Panera's with an old friend

~quiet time in the car with NPR

~Target

~Real Simple

~friends willing to be college references

1/28/09 Day 14/365

~Blogger's post options!

~the flow of written words

~peppermint tea

~The Go-Go's

~sunshine

Interviewed by Bohemian Single Mom

I've been intrigued with being interviewed lately. The interviewers have given me wonderful questions that have prompted me to look deeper inside myself, for which I thank them. Today's interview is courtesy of Bohemian Single Mom, whose blog I love and find inspiring.



Interview Questions for Celtic Buffy

1. For what reasons did you start blogging, and has it turned out how you thought it would? I started blogging because, from the age I could first write, I've been journaling. In 2000 I quit because someone I was close to started using words I had written against me. I quit writing anything and actually burned all of the old journals I had on hand. Blogging was my step to not only journal again, but to put my words out in the world and justify to myself that what I write is not right or wrong, it's simply my words/feelings/opinions. My blogging journey has turned out to be mostly good. I've "met" some wonderful people through it. However, there's an inner part of me that is still terrified that anyone from Mr. Ex's family or our former friends would find my blog and attempt to use my written words against me just to tear me down for their fun.

2. You're a rock star single mom! What do you find the most difficult about single parenting? And the easiest, if there is an easy part? Thanks for the compliment! I certainly don't feel that way. The most difficult part is wondering if I'm teaching them everything I need to in order for them to be good, self sufficient adults. Then there's also being so tired that a lot of little things fall through the cracks, the guilt of not being able to help them experience everything I'd like for them to do and try, and trying not to overcompensate because they don't have a "normal" family. The easy part? Loving them. There's also the selfishness on my part of liking the fact that I make the decisions without having to consult their dad, the independence of being a single mom.

3. What do you do for yourself, to nurture yourself, your spirit, and you recharge yourself when you're feeling exhausted and out of balance? Not enough. I am learning to take time for myself so as not to become completely out of balance. I like to read, write, paint (the walls, not paintings) and go home to my parent's for a weekend.

4. What's your favourite month of the year and why? What's your favourite day of the week and why? These are actually the toughest questions! I think July would be my favorite because it's hot and sunny, great for being at the pool or the lake. I have the most energy in that type of weather. My favorite day of the week is the Saturday's that I have off from work. Why? The day holds so many possibilities of what I could do with my time with the promise of Sunday to recuperate if need be.

5. Where would you like to see yourself in 5 years from now? That's easy. Five years from now I would like to see myself employed as a registered nurse/paramedic, working on my writing having given in to letting loose the creative part of me (if there is one hidden in there somewhere!). It will find me with Anime graduated from high school, Actress as a sophomore, Action as a seventh grader, and hopefully me, even more independent than now, with finances well in hand.

Here's the instructions to post on your blog after your interview answers:

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me".

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. (I get to pick the questions).

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.


So, anyone else up for an interview?

1/27/09 Day 13/395

~easy going patients

~colorful scarves

~matching mittens

~CROCS boots!

~NPR

1/26/06 Day 12/365

~digital thermometers

~caring charge nurses willing to send you home when your son is sick

~children's ibuprofen

~Gatorade mixed with cranberry juice

~chicken noodle soup

Happy Chinese New Year

Seeing as how today is the Chinese New Year I decided to see what my sign is under their calendar. Turns out I am a metal dog. It's rather eerie how much of myself I see in the description I found on www.tuvy.com.

METAL DOG Horoscope Feb 10, 1910 to Jan 29, 1911 Feb 6, 1970 to Jan 26, 1971 Dog people are loyal and honest and obedient, guardians of the house at night. They can be counted on to keep secrets and for always doing the right thing. They can be emotionally distant and do not mix well in social gatherings where they are often seen as wallflowers. They do better with one-on-one relationships and find happiness in the happiness they bring to others, such as finding the most perfect gifts for their friends. While it is true that they have sharp tongues and are a bit stubborn and eccentric, in a work situation they tend to work very well with other people. What is more, they always seem to have money and make excellent leaders. Because of their high moral stance, they are inspiring beyond measure.

This one takes a very conservative approach to every aspect of life, somewhat coasting along looking at the scenery with dreams and goals unrealized but the spirit always fulfilled. Ferdinand the Bull is their Poster Boy; they always stop to smell the flowers. Nothing wrong with this, but it's important to find a balance so there aren't so many unfinished tasks. Ironically, they tend to be materialistic, but don't have the patience necessary to acquire big ticket items and major success is illusory. But like gypsies, they move with the wind, taking what comes, with noble chin held high, always finding in life a kind of beauty which does indeed sustain them very much. They make very good friends, loyal to the bone, always finding delightful ways to help others. Friends always know where they stand because of their directness and frank manner. The Love & Romance Department usually finds a very handsome male and a beautiful female, each incredibly attractive to the other and sincerity reigns in their communication. The Metal Dog doesn't like to take too many chances, preferring conservative and traditional ways of romance. Sometimes, they become virtual love slaves, a little too passive for their own good. Time to stand up and reclaim your individuality! Learn to be more pro-active! Thanks to krystalatwork at Give Me Back My Five Bucks for the prompt to find out what I am and the link to tuvy's site for the information.

An AHA! Moment

I was reading Christine Kane's blog post about Living If You Were Sacked Already and reading the last paragraph was one of those AHA! moments for me. Here's what it said:

When you take your power back and stop being scared of what others (or the economy, or politics, or your mean ex-girlfriend) can DO TO YOU, you step into the true reality where you get to decide each day how to create your life.

My theme word for the year is ACTION. Last year was all about CHANGE which was all well and good. There were some big changes. However, the most important changes that need to occur are going to require some work, hence the theme word ACTION (and yes, I know I refer to my son as action, just a little irony there I guess.)

Somewhere around the age of 21 I slowly started giving all of my power away. I realized a while ago that I was now scared of saying what I really felt or thought and that I changed myself constantly to be what I thought others wanted me to be. That is still ingrained in me, and I caught myself berating my children the other day for something that was in complete contrast to how I want them to live. I was essentially telling them that they weren't as important as someone else and that they needed to subvert themselves to the whims of another person. Whoa! I mean, there's being polite and then there's being extreme so as not to "bother" another person who makes choices that are different from ours. (Sorry for being so vague as to the actual circumstance.) My kids weren't being naughty or bad or anything but 3 normal kids and here I was letting myself be "scared" of someone else's response to them being kids.

That's what led into my AHA moment. It all clicked when I read Christine's post. I am sick of living that way! I spent far too many years tiptoeing around Mr. Ex, trying to gauge his moods, living in fear of what he might say. This is NOT what I want to teach my kids. How can they learn to stand up for themselves if I don't stand up for myself?

It all sounds good but it's harder to practice than to preach. It's been so long since I've spoken my mind when it really matters that I'm not even sure how to begin. But begin I must because it's not fair to me or anyone around me to just shut up. I can't get to where I need to be if I can't say what's on my mind. I see old patterns creeping up on me that need to be broken and smashed and swept away on the winds of change. Now where's my hammer and broom?

1/25/09 Day 11/365

~finding old friends via Facebook

~nowhere to go

~a cup of green tea

~inspirational blogs

~twitter when you need to release you words

1/24/09 Day 10/365

~roller skating rinks

~air mattresses

~hot coffee

~a date with my kids

~movies

1/23/09 Day 9/365

~vanilla almond milk

~long lost friends

~hanging with my daughter

~cameras to capture the moment

~my sunlamp

Interviewed by Shania from Craving Silence

Below are the questions asked of me by the wonderful Shania over at Craving Silence. Talk about digging deep! You do your homework girl!


1. You recently reconnected with two old friends via facebook. One lived fairly close and you were going to meet her for lunch. Did that happen and if so, how did it go? If you didn't meet her, why not? (10/28/08) We did meet and it went well. We connected as well as we did in high school. In fact, I'm meeting her next week. Life just seems to get in the way of getting together as often as we'd like.

2. Has your relationship with your mother improved or deteriorated since your move? In what ways? (07/12/08) It has definitely improved. I feel like we actually talk now. I've been spending a weekend at my parent's home about once a month since October.

3. What new happy songs do you listen to? (05/24/08) This will require a post in itself! :)

4. You made a vague reference to a best friend who was really your worst enemy on 02/28/08. Care to elaborate? This one could probably be a new post if it's anything like my dealings with so called "best friends"! This can't possibly be answered in a few sentences, probably not even a few posts. It has "movie of the week" written all over it. It's not a story I'm ready to go public with yet (even if I do blog anonymously!)

5. Does the SO still have his weekly coffee date? If so, have you been again? If he does and you haven't, is he still among the living? Yes he does and no I haven't not been invited again. Again, not something I'm ready to go into in detail just yet.

6. Have you finished unpacking yet? Oh that. Yeah, I'll get around to that one of these days. :) Maybe.

7. As a nursing assistant, do you find your coworkers to be mostly kind or cruel to their elderly charges? I think that they are mostly a pretty good bunch. A coworker told me once that with this job I would find that I would become more giving than I've ever been and yet more judgmental at the same time. That is very true. They are pretty giving and caring to the elderly, it's the patients that are always on their call lights, always complaining that probably get the "lesser" care. Those tend to be the patients that are "frequent fliers" and those that just aren't very nice people.

8. Do you get angry at your wii fit mii when you don't reach your goals? (I totally do) Honestly, I haven't touched the Wii in about two months now. I think it's because I don't like hanging out in the game room as it's yet unfinished. Poor reason I know. Now I'm just plain scared of what it's going to "say" when I do get on it again!

1/22/09 Day 8/365

~reliable paychecks

~waking up feeling healthy

~the smell of fresh brewed coffee

~laugh lines

~clean kitchen counters

1/21/09 Day 7/365

~melting snow

~windshield washer fluid

~minestrone soup

~reading a book

~Lofthouse cookies (soul food)

What Do You Wish for Your Space?

Jamie over at StarShyne Productions holds a weekly Wishcasting Wednesday theme posting for, obviously, weekly wishes. This is the first time that I've participated since today's wish particularly resonates with me. Today she asks "What do you wish for your space?"

What I wish for my space is for it to be cozy and inviting. Right now it just feels empty. There is nothing on the walls, I'm not even sure what I want to hang there. I've done some painting throughout the house. Basically the house just feels unsettled, like everyone here is just marking time. I know that what it needs is ACTION (my theme word for the year) on my part but as of yet I have felt uninspired to take any action. I want to create an environment in which to welcome friends but there aren't really any of those here either. So, what I want for my space is to reflect welcoming while being cozy and somewhat of a boho environment. No house beautiful layouts for me please. I want funky, creative, warm, and welcoming. Maybe later I'll be inspired to post a few shots of our living spaces.

1/20/08 Day 6/365

~Obama/Biden

~hot chocolate

~taking a nap

~sitcoms

~UPS bringing my textbooks

1/19/09 Grace in the Small Things 5/365

~warm wool jackets

~ cheap movie theatre tickets

~The Big Bang Theory

~not having to think about what to wear to work

~ hot showers

1/18/09 4/365

Tonight I'm thinking and thankful for

~Give thanks for indoor plumbing.

~I'm grateful for alert nurses who handle rapid response emergencies with grace and good judgment.

~Grateful to have the children home and sleeping soundly in their own beds.

~Parents who call me.

~The internet bringing me in contact with old friends.

Acceptance

So I'm getting ready to head out the door Friday morning for my trip to see my advisor at College #1 and I decide to check my email. Lo and behold there is an email from College #2 announcing my acceptance for Spring semester with a nice little message stating that I should contact the local university center for registration! Talk about timing! I quickly got on the phone to my cousin, cancelled my appointment with her, and set off instead for the local office of College #2.

I was able to go through walk-in registration and, while I wasn't able to get every single class I wanted, I was able to get the two that I really needed. Both were available as online courses, saving me the hassle of having to coordinate my work schedule around weekly classes. Woohoo!

Let me give you a little background into what I was aiming to do. There are three option here for getting your nursing degree in the city that I live in. Options A and B are for a two year associates degree to be a registered nurse. Option C is a one year intensive program for people who already hold a bachelor's degree in any area, resulting in graduation with a Bachelor of Science in nursing. I was aiming for Option C, which required a larger number of prerequisite classes, hoping for Fall of 2009 acceptance so that I'd be graduated by September of 2010. Option B is an on site program requiring me to physically attend classes each day, while Option A is an online program only requiring my physical presence at clinicals. Both of those options would only require me to take the prerequisite courses of Microbiology and Anatomy/Physiology as I've currently completed all of the other prerequisite courses.

As luck would have it I was able to enroll this semester in Microbiology and Anatomy/Physiology. I've decided now to change plans and aim for acceptance in Option A, while also applying for Option B as a back-up plan. Now I have to hope that I impress the hell out of the people who make the decision because they only choose 10 people per semester for the online program (Option A) and 25 for the on site program (Option B).

There's a part of me that would love to still enroll in the paramedic program that starts next month. However, I know that it's not fair to my kids or Mr. Irony to overburden myself like that. Plus, the paramedic program has a 6 week internship at the end with only 4 of those internships being offered in our city. The rest of the internships are in Denver, Seattle, Kansas City, and Sioux City. The only way to assure that I would get an internship here is to be ranked #1 or #2 in the course. I simply can't pick up and leave for 6 weeks at this point in life so that door is one that needs to remain closed for now. I might revisit it next fall if I'm not accepted into nursing school.

Now I'm waiting for the University to put me into their online course system so that I can access my classes. The books are ordered and shipped yesterday ($400 worth of textbooks for 2 courses!) and once I'm in the system I'm ready to learn. I'll be a week behind by the time I receive my books so I'll be playing catch-up with my first exam already looming in two weeks.

1/17/09 3/365

~I was able to sleep until my body was ready to wake up.

~The temperature is above zero! Yea!

~I worked with good nurses who made my work life a little better tonight.

~Mr. Irony made a batch of minestrone soup for my lunches.

~My daughters will actually text me.

1/16/09 Day 2/365

~ Mr. Ex has never failed to pay his child support each month.

~Action still likes to give his mom hugs.

~College #2 finally processed my acceptance.

~Register for two online courses

~Had money in the bank to pay for above courses/books in lieu of financial aid (which won't be dispersed until February).

Roadblocks

I decided to get online again to check the courses that I need (since I'm channeling some OCD in regards to all of this and can't seem to stop checking daily). All sections are once again CLOSED! I don't get this. It's a good thing I'm going in tomorrow to meet with my advisor because I am thoroughly confused. On the plus side I received my financial aid info in the mail today. It's enough in student loans to cover all tuition and books, if only I can actually, you know, REGISTER for the courses I need.

On the up side I made a new twitter friend today who honored me by using me as inspiration for his blog post today! Check out Deryl Sweeney II over at 2East: The College Living Blog. Stop by his website to check out all of the cool dorm living ideas also! Makes me (almost) wish that I were young enough to live in the dorms again. We all have our own roadblocks in life. Heck, I create half of my own roadblocks just through my procrastination! What do you do when you approach a roadblock? Do you give up, do you go around, or do you crash right through?

More Silver Linings with Less Storm Clouds

In a wonderfully cosmic turn, my alma mater has seen fit to gift me with an advisor. Okay, so that's not surprising at all considering everyone in college has an advisor. The cosmic/karmic part? The advisor is my (second) cousin that I just saw last week! She was my advisor when I went there before but I never dreamed they'd assign me to her again as I am switching careers. This just makes my day though because she's getting me in tomorrow morning! And it should be above zero tomorrow so I won't be driving in insane subzero temps! Woohoo!

Amazingly I am feeling so much better about this return to college now. Even though I STILL have not heard back from college #2 (am really trying not to let the bitter rivalries of the colleges sway may feelings towards college #2, it's hard though, being raised to be the bunnies fan that I am). Some of the better feelings may be my effort to follow through on this. I found Schmutzie's post through Chantal at Bread Crumbs in the Butter. I've been far too bitter lately and need to turn that frown upside down (okay that was really corny but seriously, I need to be more silver linings than storm clouds).




Today I choose to find grace in the small things. Such as:

~College #1 assigning my cousin as my advisor.

~My car that starts even when the temperature is -30 (that's right 30 BELOW zero!)

~Mr. Irony for not booting us all out because we're so insanely annoying.

~Having a job that provides health insurance at a fairly reasonable rate.

~Hugs before the kids head out the door to school.



Can you find some grace in the small (and not so small) things?

Online Registration Frustrations

I decided to check one more time this morning to see if all of the internet courses I needed were still closed. Imagine my delight and surprise to see that EVERY SINGLE COURSE I needed now had a new open section! Two courses were from one university and the rest were through my alma mater. I speedily filled out the online registration form and hit the submit button, delighted that my initial plans were back on track.

Of course it couldn't be that easy, right? Right.

I innocently assumed that since both universities operate under the same umbrella that I would be able to register for both at the same time. Apparently it doesn't work that way. The online form would not allow me to submit until I removed the offending universities courses (damn college rivalries, it even holds sway on the internet!). That done I proceeded to hit submit, still swooning over the fact that I would be registered and could go purchase (outrageously expensive) textbooks tomorrow!

EPIC FAIL! Here is the lovely little blurb I received upon hitting the submit button:

You are not eligible for registration.

Please arrange to see your advisor prior to registration.

Yeah, um, what?! Do I not have a student ID number?! Was I not able to log in to the registration area in the first place?! State college you haven't sent me anything in regards to advisor, registering, or anything other than than a little email stating I could register using the web advisor when I inquired about registration a few weeks ago. Back then would have been a good time to tell me that it wouldn't work when I attempted it. Just saying.

I sent an email (or two or three) off to the registration department but as I know they are all over in the main gym today processing on-campus semester payments/etc. I highly doubt I'll hear back from anyone in a timely fashion. Guess I may be making a trip tomorrow to the old alma mater to see what a gal has to do to be able to hand over her money for their (outrageously priced) classes.

Grrr. Happy Hump Day!

Changing Plans

Will wonders never cease? I actually feel the urge to write today! Maybe it's because I made the time to sit in front of my sunlamp to recreate the sunlight that's been lacking in our neck of the woods lately.

So 2009 is upon us and I'm nowhere further ahead than I was in 2008. I'm still procrastinating and playing ostrich with my finances. I'm not in school nor progressing towards a degree of any kind. I'm still "The Procrastinator". But I have chosen a new word for this year. That word is ACTION. Change is all well and good, but it's a new year and something needs to propel those changes. That would be where ACTION comes in.

By playing "The Procrastinator" I have effectively locked myself out of being able to register for those prerequisites that I need for nursing school. I applied to two schools and school number 1 (my alma mater) was right on the ball, accepted me, and I'm good to go. Except for the fact that the courses I need this spring are either only offered on campus (2 hours of driving each day) or the internet sections are full. School number 2 (the rival of my alma mater - old loyalties die hard folks when you grow up a died-in-the-wool bunnies fan) is even more of a procrastinator than I am! I sent in all of the paperwork 2 months ago, sent in their request for more paperwork three weeks ago, and still have not heard anything! School number two does have some open internet sections for what I need, plus one course that is located nearby for which the internet section is full. Classes start on Thursday meaning I'm really behind the curve on this. What's a gal to do now?

My lovely little plan was to be accepted for Spring of 2009, take all of those monster courses I need in one fell swoop, apply to the two nurses programs and see which (if any!) I was accepted into for Fall of 2009. That's most definitely not going to happen now. I forgot the rule of my life, which is, nothing EVER goes as I plan. So the plan is being tossed out the window and I'm flying by the seat of my pants now (what does that phrase mean anyway?!).

Since the word of the year is ACTION, I'm not going to sit around and wait to see if I can take everything this fall. I'm developing a new plan of sorts (I'm learning this is why people have back-up plans). I had originally thought that after I had my RN I would take the accelerated paramedics course and be an RN/paramedic. I'm thinking about reversing that strategy. There is a paramedics course starting next month (two nights per week for 11 months) and I'm going to apply. If I get in I'll take just a couple of prerequisites for nursing per semester and apply for RN school for the Spring of 2010 (which is what I'll have to do anyway now regardless of if I get in to paramedic school or not).

Why? Honestly, I can't see myself working as a patient care tech for the next 3 1/2 years while finishing RN school. Well, I could see it happening if the pay were higher, but it isn't. Right now I am dependent on the child support from Mr. Ex to pay the bills and since I consider him to be undependable (granted he has not missed any months but I can't count on that or him) I find it incredibly scary to think that the next 3 1/2 years of income are partially dependent on him. Paramedics in our area start out making as much as a 2-year (associates degree) RN. If I were to complete the paramedic course and be hired I would work the same amount of hours that I do as a tech but would make almost twice the pay. Considering that Anime enters high school next year, Actress hits middle school, and Action wants to play hockey, there's going to be a lot more extra expenses, not to mention the medical cost for Anime if it turns out that she does have lupus.

I am driven by money, or the lack thereof. Not a good way to be but I've spent so many years struggling for a financial security (which I promise I will eventually tell you about . . . it is an interesting and lengthy story) that I want to grasp for the next level up (income-wise).

I twittered about this recently and I don't think I made it clear that I'm not forgoing nursing school for paramedic school, just simply reversing the order. I know that nursing presents many more opportunities for advancement down the road. Of course, this is all contingent on being accepted, which I very well may not be. Then it's back to the drawing board, I guess. Good thing I'm a go-with-the-flow kind of gal.

Dream Job

Someone finally came up with my dream job! Now if only I can get hired and they'll agree to let my family come with.

Astrological Predictions for 2009

I'm not a big believer in astrology but I thought it might be interesting to post what astrology.com predicts for me this year, and look back on it again this time next year.

Year 2009 Career

Since transformation and rebirth are manifesting in new realms for you this year, it's a good time to reflect on your deeper mission in life. As an Aries, you are a powerhouse of energy who enjoys being in charge and drawing upon your strong resources to forge ahead in the world. Allow the universe to support, transform and shift your career in order to remake yourself. You may be called upon to change the structure and let go of old energies, resistance and previous patterns of your professional life that no longer serve you. You realize how important it is to call back the parts of yourself that you have given away, and to bring back your own sense of dedication to higher ideals and your willingness to be a channel for healing yourself and society.

These changes will help you feel much more in control, grounded and supported as you start the year streamlining your focus in a more methodical way. This requires exercising a bit more patience than Aries usually likes. As you allow yourself to trust and recreate your path of heart and amplify your aliveness, fully express your visionary impulses and rediscover your unique structure of individuality.

Abundant thinking and a sense of community enhance your career -- and your enjoyment thereof. You gain power and the momentum needed to make a forward shift. Step into your authority and open your heart so that you may bring in new energy and manifest the results you desire. Your attitudes about success and taking charge of your life will evolve as you find a new sense of what you really want.

Year 2009 Romantic

Your love takes on a new dimension this year. Your relationships will be about balance and an even flow of give-and-take. Your friends will be very influential in helping your idealistic dreams manifest. Your enthusiasm for a better future will attract socially motivated groups, and you will meet some beneficial associations who are striving for a better world.

You have no problem starting new relationships, and are able to let go of connections that no longer serve you. You will move on with a pioneering spirit. Trusting your higher self provides the discernment you need to understand people's true motives and still maintain a healthy sense of self. Make conscious decisions regarding other people on a romantic level, and keep your hopes and dreams realistic.

A wonderful circle of love and unity surrounds you. In the summertime, your passion will attract a partner who makes you feel safe, and you will be able to love more deeply than ever before. You're willing to take risks for someone who is emotionally strong.

You feel so positive and uplifted that everything seems perfect, as if you are really tapping in to some great spiritual blessings. You will feel you need to establish some personal roots, and will find yourself thinking about home and family more than ever before. In October, you might find yourself desiring marriage, after a genuine deepening in your primary relationship.

Interview Me!

You may have seen a new sort of meme floating around the blogosphere lately; the interview post. I, happily, received my interview questions from my favorite Brit blogger, LizSara.

The rules are as follows:

Link back to the person you received the interview from.

If you want to participate, leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.” (And your e-mail address, please.)

I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.

You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

My questions from LizSara are:

1) Do you think it's easier or harder to be an anonymous blogger and is there any reason you could think of to make you 'come out' on your blog? I find it hard being anonymous because I have to watch that I don't make any references to places or things that could reveal me. I can't share this part of my life with real life friends (although I have with a couple that I really trust). I can't share pictures of my life or refer to my writing around real life people. If you knew me it would be easy to connect the dots and figure out my identity, which is why I also worry about recriminations if certain people from my past were to stumble across my blog.

I'd like to think that I would reveal my identity if one of the people from my "past life" figured it out. I might also consider "coming out" if I were to have a huge following and be offered a book deal. Hey, I can dream right?! There's another Jen Lancaster out there somewhere! Why not me? ;)

2) Would you rather be where you are now having gone through hardships or have had an easy life but be unhappy in it? I'll definitely take where I am now with all of the roller coaster rides. I've lived in some neat places, met some cool people, and had more experiences than some people get in a life time!

3) What's your idea of the perfect getaway, where and why? The perfect getaway would include sunshine, warm ocean water, and quite possibly some ancient ruins to explore.

4) Name your best recipe Ha! Me, cook?! Okay, seriously, my best recipe is for scalloped corn. Take one can of corn, one can of creamed corn, add 4 tablespoons of flour, 3 to 4 tablespoons of milk, 2? teaspoons of baking powder, one egg (yolk and white beaten separately before adding), and pepper to taste. Bake at 350 degrees for 45 minutes to an hour. Of course, it's been well over a year since I made it and I currently can find the recipe!

5) If you had to give up blogging or give up reading other people's blogs which would you choose? That's tough. If I could still write (just not publish) I would choose to give up blogging. I love to read every one's posts in the morning with a cup of tea or coffee. It makes me feel connected to the world in some odd way.


So who's next?

Change

I deemed 2008 to be my year of change in my life. I certainly made several changes through out the year:

~quit my secure school based job

~moved to a new town

~entered into a new living situation with Mr. Irony

~took a job in health care (at a much lower rate of pay)

~legally changed back to my maiden name

~left behind some people in my life that just weren't good for me, psychically or spiritually

Lots of outward changes, yes, but I've been realizing that there weren't a lot of inward changes. I'm still afraid to speak my mind. I still run from confrontation. There is still so much negativity running through my brain. I still am running through life mainly on auto pilot because it takes too much to actually have to deal with anyone or anything. I still lack motivation to get things accomplished. I am still "The Procrastinator".

Somewhere along the way I've built up this burden of bitterness and the main target has been Mr. Ex. I know for my sake that I need to find a way to let it all go. I think I've accepted the fact that I stayed with him for those last years out of guilt and fear, brainwashed into thinking that he would take the kids if I tried to leave. I also didn't want to admit defeat. I was in love with the idea of what I wanted our marriage to be, but not actually loving the man I was married to. As I look back over our life together now I can see what a naive fool I was and how many ways and times I was taken advantage of. Even when his own family would point out how little he cared for us I refused to admit it. Part of the bitterness is that most of that same family has now welcomed him back with open arms because "he came back to be near and raise his kids". (Excuse me while I go gag). He spends two weekends per month with the kids. He did coach in the fall for Action's team but now hasn't set foot around for wrestling season. He keeps choosing women who don't seem to want our kids around.

See, I don't want to do this. I see all of that bitterness spilling out in the previous paragraph. I know that I need to just accept him for who he is (and isn't) and that he's never going to be the dad that our kids deserve. That doesn't mean he's a bad person, it's just not who I wanted him to be. I need to get over this bitterness towards him and focus on me. Because if I don't, I'm not going to get any motivation back nor be able to move forward. If I can't do that I might as well kiss nursing school goodbye because I won't be able to make it through the 18 credits worth of hard classes I have to do just to be able to apply (chemistry II, microbiology, epidemiology, anatomy/physiology, just to name four).

Once again or maybe still, I feel lost, drifting, as if I'm just marking time with no real purpose. And that, I think, is what needs to change in 2009. Finding the change within me. Finding me.