Friday, January 2, 2009

Change

I deemed 2008 to be my year of change in my life. I certainly made several changes through out the year:

~quit my secure school based job

~moved to a new town

~entered into a new living situation with Mr. Irony

~took a job in health care (at a much lower rate of pay)

~legally changed back to my maiden name

~left behind some people in my life that just weren't good for me, psychically or spiritually

Lots of outward changes, yes, but I've been realizing that there weren't a lot of inward changes. I'm still afraid to speak my mind. I still run from confrontation. There is still so much negativity running through my brain. I still am running through life mainly on auto pilot because it takes too much to actually have to deal with anyone or anything. I still lack motivation to get things accomplished. I am still "The Procrastinator".

Somewhere along the way I've built up this burden of bitterness and the main target has been Mr. Ex. I know for my sake that I need to find a way to let it all go. I think I've accepted the fact that I stayed with him for those last years out of guilt and fear, brainwashed into thinking that he would take the kids if I tried to leave. I also didn't want to admit defeat. I was in love with the idea of what I wanted our marriage to be, but not actually loving the man I was married to. As I look back over our life together now I can see what a naive fool I was and how many ways and times I was taken advantage of. Even when his own family would point out how little he cared for us I refused to admit it. Part of the bitterness is that most of that same family has now welcomed him back with open arms because "he came back to be near and raise his kids". (Excuse me while I go gag). He spends two weekends per month with the kids. He did coach in the fall for Action's team but now hasn't set foot around for wrestling season. He keeps choosing women who don't seem to want our kids around.

See, I don't want to do this. I see all of that bitterness spilling out in the previous paragraph. I know that I need to just accept him for who he is (and isn't) and that he's never going to be the dad that our kids deserve. That doesn't mean he's a bad person, it's just not who I wanted him to be. I need to get over this bitterness towards him and focus on me. Because if I don't, I'm not going to get any motivation back nor be able to move forward. If I can't do that I might as well kiss nursing school goodbye because I won't be able to make it through the 18 credits worth of hard classes I have to do just to be able to apply (chemistry II, microbiology, epidemiology, anatomy/physiology, just to name four).

Once again or maybe still, I feel lost, drifting, as if I'm just marking time with no real purpose. And that, I think, is what needs to change in 2009. Finding the change within me. Finding me.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Keep working on it Celticbuffy, you'll get there. Besides, it's moving through the process that counts.

ourlittlefunnybunny said...

2009 will be better. Not that I know you ;) but you'll get where you want to be. Good luck!

Emily said...

I always think the change you get isn't necessarily the change you want but... you have to start somewhere. It sounds to me that you need to accept the way you feel more than let go your bitterness of him. Its ok to be bitter and disapointed but have you let yourself know that?

2008 was a tough year for a lot of people and I know that this can be your year. How do you want to *feel* this time next year? Working towards that might be easier than planning a route! Hang in there!

The Modern Gal said...

I think the fact that you want to let go of those feelings is a good sign. You realize that they may be holding you back. But that said, you still need to vent about him from time to time! And this is probably a good place for that.

Happy New Year! I hope 2009 brings you lots of happiness!